Beauhandsome, A Valentine Manifesto

I had a good Valentines day once, really it was beyond great even. It lasted about 4 months and included some of the most mind blowing orgasms of my life... so far. While each and every one of those orgasms was made of a loving moment, great sex, good sex, sex at all, will only take a relationship so far. She brought me flowers, the trippiest teddy bear I've ever owned, held doors open, listened to me and even once or twice kissed me right into an orgasm or two. She was the best Valentine I've had... so far. Her fatal mistake was loving me and it ended the minute she said it. Had the moment been in a movie, time would have stood still, freeze frame style and you would have heard me yell "FUCK". It wasn't a movie though so no one heard it and the only one who time stood still for, was me, and thinking about it, maybe her too. Don't get me wrong, flowers are ok, I absolutely love when someone holds a door open and even the most jaded of people wants to be listened to. The thing was, I wasn't ready to be loved. Like any end there were other factors but the biggest was that I just wasn't ready.I'll always love her but not in a way you love a partner, not in a way you love someone who may honestly love you. I didn't honestly love her, I did honestly love plenty of things about her but that wasn't enough.
This relationship was a beginning, an awakening, a reminder of who I was, once upon a time, before I had to become a grown woman with a teenagers tools, before I knew the world could and would kick a woman in the vagina and heart while simultaneously fucking her mind via her ear. -Humorously stated, maybe, but real nonetheless. We all have baggage but that's not what this is about. The past is a memory, not a regret but a memory that gets us where we're going. This particular piece of my past changed my direction and forced a much needed examination of who I was letting myself become. No one wakes up and says: "I want to be alone. I strive to be a bitter, crazy, asshole whose intimate relationships are based solely on sex and a fear of commitment. Please Jeebus don't let anyone love me.", but I can't imagine I'm the only one to wake up and realize that was where my head was. With that ever so important wake up, there comes, with any luck, a moment of much needed clarity, where you realize that what you've been putting out there is far from your potential and even further from who you really are. This is the point where shit gets real, where you look in the mirror and see yourself. I saw myself as the girl who let one year define the next eight and I'd like to think that in my moment of clarity the woman I am finally remembered she existed.
Over time I'm learning to set real, legitimate boundries and communicate actual, honest, emotions but I'm still learning.
Lately, I've found myself thinking about what I would want in a partner and for me what sums it up is Valentines day. Don't worry I'm about to elaborate. The Valentines day I'm referring to isn't about candy, cards and flowers, Its not about who has someone and who doesn't. Yes, society tells us this holiday is about love in the most romantical sense of the word, thats kinda bullshit. Love isn't a holiday we celebrate once a year. It's not some ski resort we spend vacations at, or a planned out plotted out day of festivities ending in mediocre sex and ultimate disappointment - come on, we've all had atleast one of those valentines. Love doesn't happen in a day, it takes many and it doesn't cost money but it does require sacrifice and it may sound cliche but if you don't know yourself you can't love yourself and if you don't love you, it's not that no one else will, but you will make it damn hard for them to reach you. Love isn't February 14th but Valentines day is about having someone to share it with. To me this whole wanting someone to share it with is mindblowing and completely new, the "it" I'm talking about isn't Valentines day but life itself. I think once you find that person EVERYDAY is the four months of goddamned amazing sex I had that one time for Valentines day but its not just orgasms your sharing, its life. Life is too short to let one day define you and too long to let love escape you and once you have it you can share it and that is what its all about. For the first time in a long time I kind of love the person I'm becoming and for now thats all I really need. Do I want more? Hell yea, I want alot more, got a list of hopes and dreams but what I needed was to love me, myself. I may not have ever learned to do that if it weren't for my beauhandsome Valentine and yes, of course, I want someone to share it all with, therein lies the beauty of Valentines day.