What do you believe in said the joker to the thief...

I believe in Unicorns, I know, I do, you're thinkin what is this crazy bitch talkin about this time. Just try and stay with me I'll explain. Unicorns are the most magical creatures of all time, mythical, mysterious and possibly, maybe, not even real. That doesn't stop me from believing, people believe in all sorts of crazy, so I see no reason why I can't believe in Unicorns. At times I try to give up this ridiculous belief and convince myself adults live in reality and well, clearly Unicorns aren't real. Something happens, a kid does something incredibly beautiful to my refrigerator, a really nice person holds a door open after a terrible day, I walk into a restaurant and the sign is about Unicorns (or cake, or both) and I'm snapped back into hoping and believing.
              Its not just about the magical, mystical, horned creatures we all think of when someone says the word Unicorn. I mean hell yes, I'm all about those too, but there's an even more ridiculous part. Little girls are started on a steady diet of princess fairy tales, in one way or another from birth. I guess I needed something more magical than a prince and more attractive than a frog and the unicorn was born. They're the happy place that gets me through the worst of times. The one that told me to go home, when I'm 15, I ran away and I'm contemplating sleeping in a stairwell, like a dumbass. The one that picked up the phone and listened and told me I'd be fine, that first real night of driving a big truck, with a trainer who at the time scared the crap out of me, crying like a little bitch. The one I'd let sleep on a couch I don't even have and the one I'm glad got away. The people who've actually seen me, all of me, even if only for a second and gave me enough hope to hold on through whatever crappy thing had happened or was on the way. People don't realize the impact they have on you and it's so rare in our time, that we tell each other. There are not enough Unicorns in anyone's life these days, not enough magic and not enough hope. I expect so much of myself and yes, I have expectations of the people around me to be decent people, and yes, my moral fiber and honor code may be somewhat demented, but more important than any expectation, I hope. I hope and I believe that  the very best people I meet in life become the people they were meant to be. There are few things that would stop us in our tracks, outside of an insane emergency or an alien landing, but a Unicorn, a horned horse, a person doesn't keep moving for that. They'd miss all the magic.
                   Someone once told me that eye contact with a stranger meant there was some kind of a connection, that you should speak to that person. Basically that there was a reason for it. I don't know if I ever believed that but, I do believe shit happens for a reason. Who's reason? Fuck if I know, I don't think its God or some higher power, not sure its destiny, I kinda think that's a stretch, but I think there is some order to the chaos and disarray that is life. Not that it will always make sense, or be pleasant, or enjoyable, I just believe all the parts of our lives good and bad serve a purpose. I've got a million stories of really good times, trucker stories, house stories, NBJ stories, happy stories, sad stories but my favorite stories, the stories I rarely if ever tell, are the stories of Unicorns at their most beautiful moments. Everyone needs a light in the sky sometimes, a little Saint Elmos Fire to help them get by, a beautiful distraction from a harsh reality, hope. There are many people that sit at my table and they are all magically inclined, I can even levitate phones myself, but I sure as hell don't even hold a candle to the few Unicorns I've been lucky enough to invite for dinner. Hope is believing in magic, believing that what you see is really there, or really happening because some really talented mind trickster magician made it real, even if you think you know how he did it. Its magic, and you can't do it. I have hope, because I am not magic. I'm not a Unicorn, I'm a mess, a mess who can finally keep a plant alive(small personal victory), but still a mess, so I keep hoping and believing in creatures and people I see as inspiring and amazing because those are the fairy tales and people that keep me from giving up every time. Hope is why I believe in Unicorns even if it is the dumbest thing any one, ever, heard.

A House and a Harley on the moon...

When we were kids my Grandmother used to send us looking for rocks for this rock garden she was going to create in the back yard. I can't recall ever seeing my Grandmother do more than receive and water plants, nor did she ever create a rock garden. As a kid my fathers mother could do no wrong as an adult I think for her, watching us collect her rocks might have been something like a small scale version of the Egyptians and the slaves. She didn't treat us badly, she simply manipulated us into thinking we were building something beautiful. The rocks were probably still in the corner of the yard in milk crates when she sold that house.The lessons I learned from the Queen of Cards, heavy as those rocks but in their own way far more beautiful than any garden. She was poison dressed in chocolate, the dark kind, bitter and sweet, and dark as night. She was a lovely kind of cruel and like anyone I have my doubts that any 2 people really knew her the same. While she was dying I went through every picture book I could find, among the hundreds of old pictures I barely found ten where she was smiling, really smiling, before retirement. Even when she did start smiling, somewhere around 45 or 50 and the majority of those pictures where she is smiling, she was anywhere but here.

I've done so much of my smiling here and a little there and a whole lot of everywhere. I have so much smiling left to go and I wonder so many things about what my pictures will say to whoever goes through them when I die. I hope whoever gets that job gets a kick out of it all and I hope they knew me, all of me. Some where in the future there is someone who knows me inside and out, who I've told all of myself to and who will be there to go through the rough spots with me. My Grandmother was a few different people, to a few different people and to each she gave and was a different part of all of her.

Over these past few weeks of doctors appointments and politics and employment changes and just plain living, I've been forgetting and re-living and realizing so many new things about who I am and what I've come from. I'm not sure of anything but I am sure Its time to grow up. Not become some one else or anything, just a more adult version of myself, this will be an interesting ride, a strange new internal adventure. No one really knows how and when this adulthood and appointments and politics and money making really became the cornerstones of their lives. I submit that for some of us those stones were always there, for others of us they were a long time coming or a short time coming but we got there and for a few they will never be there.

A year from now I have goals and like all the ones that came before, I have no idea where they'll lead me. For the first time in a long time, I have goals, the broken winged dreams are flyin around again and makin a ruckus. For the second time in a lifetime I am ready to start checking things off of my list. Debts paid, lets do this, stay in the same home for a while, ok sure lets do that too, Money in savings, Car paid off, I'd love too. Work out every day, eat healthy be healthy, LIVE, hell yea, great idea. None of these goals are impossible, none of them outlandish or radical. They're reasonable, possibly even rational, maybe not so simple but all attainable.I am many different people, too many different people, but eventually I always get where I'm going. I smile because I love the people in my life, I smile because I'm taking a mental picture of the beautiful moments that are my life, and I smile because it confuses the hell out of strangers and friends alike. I am not always smiling and to some, I'm never smiling but to those who know me, really know me, I am exactly who I always was.

Who the fuck are you?