Internal what? Change, the word is change...

Four days ago, I reached a milestone, an event, a fucking miracle, I turned 30. After a particularly depressing 29th birthday I made a somewhat last minute decision to take a road trip this year. Suffice it to say due to somewhat poor planning I spent most of my time driving. Despite my lack of accounting for traffic, time, miles and space in an utter disregard for logic and everything I learned in two and a half years of truck driving, most of my weekend was spent behind the wheel of my Toyota. This afforded me a rare opportunity to do a shitload of soul searching and clear out the cobwebs of some excruciatingly dusty corners of my mind. By the end of this jam packed emotional adventure I realized with a random memory of someone else's ignorance how good my life really is. Not to say I don't get the occasional monsoon season  of shit sandwiches from time to time but I really lucked out in the family and friends department. The random memory you ask? I'll get there, I swear, but first allow me some time to reminisce.

A long time ago in a land far away I sat, at my brothers football game, admiring two skater boys wishing, as young girls often do, that either of these fine young punks would some day take me away from my horrible preteen life. A little over a year later, I walked into a room filled with kids just like me, who all looked just like themselves at 13 to probably early 20 something (and a few youthful adults). There, I met these two fine young punks and plenty of others, people who I am forever grateful to have had at that time in my life, some of which I will forever keep  close and others who I will always make time to say hello to or crack a smile for when our paths cross. It was a youth group for the misfit toys of my town and several surrounding ones. We were the weirdos and freaks, the goths, the geeks, the skaters and punks, and anything else your parents may have warned you against. We were a lost and found of wacky pieces, art, youth and a whole lot of strength, understanding, love and above all, hugs.
Every Friday night (that I wasn't grounded and even a few where I was) for my High school years we sat in a circle and discussed feelings and soap,(though I wasn't there that night) read poetry, sang songs, danced, relaxed, cried, learned, loved and grew, shared our keen fashion sense and made life long friends. I got a unique chance to meet people who would grow up to be Goddess like Drag queens, Hero's in an EMT uniform, Bikers, Artists, Musicians, Teachers, Small Business owners, Homeowners, Adventurers, Nurses, Parents, Role models,Authors, Unexpected Republicans... The list could go on and on but I think you get the gist. Yes, like in any other group of over (atleast) 300 teenagers some grew up to be no longer with us in one way or another, but overall I think our group of ever colorful shades of different, survive and thrive through even those tragic losses we may never understand. ~ Stay with me I'm bringin it back around to happier thoughts and even, eventually my point.

As kids, teenagers, young adults, we had no idea who we would become and as adults I think we only have slightly stronger legs to keep our search going long enough to get there. Wherever "there" is. We will all get "there" eventually and I believe those of us that had the chance to get to know all these colors of the rainbow (and the storm clouds that came before it), we got a jump start the average, run of the mill teenager never got. For one, we got a shitload of free therapy, more than that though we learned about who we were, that we could be heard, loved, seen. We got a chance to be ourselves, see ourselves, and others with open minds and open hearts, we got a chance to be and do better, than some of our parents, our classmates and even ourselves at times ever dreamed we could or would. 17 years after walking into that meeting room I have the privilege of calling those two young punks two of my best friends, my brothers. Many of the people I met there aren't part of my daily life in the most traditional sense but everyday I am alive and breathing they are part of who I am and where I come from ~ Family. Even if some are creepy cousins you're not really sure how to have a conversation with and one or two may only admit they know you discreetly when no ones looking, but whose family doesn't have a few of those...

In my weekend of soul searching and sunshine, I remembered myself at 13 and 16 and 19, 21, 25 and so on. I remembered the parts that hurt and the parts that made life livable, the moments days weeks and years  I never thought I'd make it through and like any sensible girl on a road trip, I sang Cyndi Lauper songs at the top of my lungs. Then I remembered, I survived it all with a little help from my friends, OK, alright, A LOT, of help from my friends and that isn't exactly a new realization. I knew before this fantastical road trip, slash emotional roller coaster, that I have an amazing family beyond blood and logic that help me through the darker days. What I think I never stopped to really consider  was that not everyone can say the same. There are people in this world who will never look at someone else, someone different and say hey, how ya doin, just because. People who will never accept the abstract or rebellious as beautiful or dance in the rain. People   who will never know family beyond mainstream societies simplistic definitions and blind eyes.

Today, The Supreme Court made history, yesterday A woman stood for nearly 11 hours to make an important point. Me, I, just survived another day. What got me through the day? The evolution of a people, people I know, people I knew and people I have never even met.

Somewhere around 15 years ago shortly after our youth group had marched in a memorial day parade - as our selves of course,  a woman I had at one point respected, a friends mom, (ya know because at the time you just automatically respected other kids parents.) came up to me at some church event I was forced into, to tell me how "disappointed" she was to see me with "Those kids". This was the thought that hit me as I hit the Connecticut state line on Monday ~ "Those kids" have grown into some of the most amazing, selfless, hardworking, strong, beautiful and independent people I have ever known and hopefully some of that rubbed off on me along with the goth make up, patchouli oil, rainbow socks, gay love and punk music. ~ Hopefully.

Dear Mrs. K.
     I accept the fact that you may very well be a good person who meant well, but I thought you were crazy then and 15 years later I'm so glad I didn't respect you enough to let you change me. You saw what you wanted to see, in the simplest terms and most convenient definitions. But what I found out is that you couldn't have been more wrong. Those freaks, were and are some of the best parts of who I became and strive to be. Life isn't simple or convenient, and a life lived doesn't fit neatly into any box. Life is beautiful though.
~ Sincerely yours #255