Single is not alone.

When I was a kid I wanted only a handful of things when I grew up. To drive trucks, own  a house and a Harley and be able to take care of myself. It all seemed so simple as a kid. As I grow older and accomplish more of these things, other shit comes up. This is life right? Shit comes up. I've deviated from many a broke winged dream over the course of twenty years but those four, those have always been there, waiting for me to get it together. The past few years have been filled with struggles I never imagined as a child. I'm still here pluggin away at those 4 dreams though. Over the past few months I've begun to realize how these dreams of mine don't necessarily sync up with most peoples. Including but not limited to many of the people I surround myself with. It took me time to get used to the idea of my friends having kids and starting families, it took me time to really accept that other friends would leave and others would come back. Just as I finally got into the groove of  the changes and growth of myself and those around me, life started to get better, so I made more changes and learned a few things about what makes me different.

 One of these things I will never get rid of, I can never forget and were it not for my baby steps in other seemingly unrelated areas of my life I may never have discovered or found any relief on. For all of my adult life I have lived with a disease no one, NO ONE could tell me jack shit about. I spent a very long time assuming I had an std that I deserved for being such a... goodtime gal. I spent a long time in pain because this was normal for me. When I started asking questions, when I started seeking a better life quality I was told there wasn't one, that I should wash myself with surgical soap, slather creams on myself, hope and learn to live with it. I spent a good amount of my life pissed off, in pain and figuring my "do what I want lifestyle", had created a new std that no one had ever seen. Why am I telling you this? I'll get there. First, I do not have any std's! Winning! I do have a much healthier fear and understanding of processed foods, and a class of vegetables called Nightshades, (fuck those things). I've learned that many of my problems go directly back to this disease in ways I would never have thought. Depression, stress, random as fuck adult acne, the golfballs and marbles in my armpits and other areas, The ingrown hairs I panicked over at least once every six months since I was 13. All pretty gross and those are just a few! Heavy stuff right? Now throw in there that no one in the medical community has a s fucking clue and everyone who has it has a million different opinions and cures, then consider that its genetic. 

I know, I know, where the fuck is this going? Just stay with me. I'm 30 years old want kids, maybe I don't want kids, Fuck, I don't know! I know I just bought a Harley. I know driving trucks wasn't really my thing but it was also one of the most liberating experiences of my life. I know a house is possible if I can just decide where I want to be and put the money in the bank. I know I've  been taking care of myself (with the help of many good friends) for a long time now with plenty of ups and downs. What I know less and less lately is how fair it would be to involve anyone else with this shit that I'm only barely beginning to get under control in the grand scheme of things. So very much more than that, I've got to ask myself do I want to risk the possibility of passing this down to another generation along with the various other lovely family traits. I'm not getting any younger and I have no idea what ELSE I want and while I realize I have time, I also realize, I don't. Life is a short and precious thing, meant for living. As we grow older I think most of us grow more responsible, with others, with ourselves. Knowing is only half the battle, what you do with knowledge that's a whole other story. 

Can you feel it? My point is coming... As I grow older, I don't get any more or less single than I was before. I've become a lot less good time about my gal, but I've been on my own in that sense long enough to be ok with it most of the time. Recently, the children in my life have slowly started picking up that my life is a little different than their mothers. Oddly their mothers in some, not all, some, cases have suddenly begun to push a little harder in their own ways on the when I'm going to finally assimilate either with kids or a partner or both. My own mother quietly, silently even, except around Christmas, fights this battle these days while children and friends pick it up. These people all love me and I love them, that in itself keeps me from feeling alone. That in no way means I don't get lonely. It just means, after years of trying not to care over the wrong shit I finally care about the right shit. I have a family that I love made up of people who love me and maybe I'll find someone who can handle my past, my family, me and my genetics, In fact I am certain I eventually will but in the mean time I'm doin just fine with my baby steps. What I'd like to throw out there is the thought that maybe some of your other single friends are too.  My adventures, my life, my lifestyle, it's not easy but I've enjoyed it so far and will continue to, with or without someone by my side. Would it be nice to have a partner in crime? Someone to tell about my really spectacular day or really terrible one for that matter, and tell me about theirs? Of course. But, it's not necessary, I've done ok without and at the end of the day I have a pretty amazing life. Some days I want a kid, some days I want a relationship, some days, I just want a Jack and Ginger. Someday I may or may not have either, in the meantime I am extremely proud of how far I've come. I am a happier, healthier person today than I have been in probably my entire adult life, I get lonely sometimes but I am not alone. Lately, I've been wishing more often that people in general were a little more forgiving with themselves and others when it comes to all things different. My reasons for not doing things the way someone else would, I have plenty, but you don't need to know them all. Just try to respect that maybe I have an idea what I need and want for now.