There are those who will not understand where this is about to go and for them I will say just like she would have "Fuck'em", I'm not sorry, this one, this one is for me. If your looking to read on about all the great things my Aunt did in her life keep reading, but if you're looking for me to sugar coat my anger and hide my pain so this can be comfortable and easy for you to read then please, skip this one. If you want honest, you want real, you want Nancy, then you take the good with the bad and you keep reading because this, this is for me as much as it is for her and she never sugarcoated who she was. This may hurt but there is nothing about death that doesn't and maybe thats a lesson we could all walk away with.
My aunt was a pill popping drunk with a loud mouth and a great rack. There it is I said it and maybe it didn't have to be said to get where this is goin, but there it is in black and white. Not everyone could understand a statement like that but I am damn sure she would have rather I put it out there than pretended no one's thought it. The greater truth, the deeper, more important FACT, is that my aunt was one of the strongest women I have ever known. There is no way to remember a persons strength without recalling their weakness and maybe it's not polite and maybe it's not how you would do it but professional life aside when I think about my Nancy, our Nancy, polite is not the first thing that comes to mind. I think loud, loving, living and in her finest moments goddamned breathtaking for all the right reasons and all the wrong ones too. Even after that there is so much more before polite. She wore her scars better than most and if all you saw was the pill poppin drunk then you never looked her in the eyes and you definitly never listened past the whiney tone she got when she was hurting.
She wasn't just my blood, she was my friend, my other mother and my hero. Nancy showed me how to enjoy what I had. Sometimes it was as simple as dancing to Zepplin, toilet papering my Aunt Amy's house, hiding out just long enough to get it together or sharing my secrets with someone who had been there, done that, but she always had a way of makin it better and I guess that's what Aunts are for. Right now though, right now in this very moment, I'm pissed off between tears, I'm wishin she was here and I'm waiting for her to call, drunk and pissin and moanin about the last bitch to piss her off. To tell me how the last ride on the hardtail fucked up her back or how she's once again friends with the backstabbing bitch she told me about last time we spoke. I'm putting off sleeping because when I wake up this will still be real, she'll still be dead and people who knew her will still be telling me how "surreal" this all is and how "sorry" they are, and what I want to do is scream. More than that I want to laugh until I forget the sad parts and only remember the good. I want to hear stories about the loud mouth bitch we knew and loved, I want to scream at the sky and tell her what an asshole she is for leaving us. I want to dance to Zepplin until it rains Nancy, hear her laughter in the laughter around me, hear her whine one last time. Watch her dance with the past one more time while sitting at Rays with that smile, you know the one someone gets when they remember a REALLY good time and then tell me she was just gonna have "One more, just one more".
The last thing I said to my Aunt was come home, I love you, come home. When I said this I meant come home to fucking Connecticut but I didn't say shit about doin it as ashes. I know she's no longer in pain and she's in a better place but for fucks sake the one time the silly bitch listened to me she had to go and do it the hard way. The twisted part is, that, that was Nancy. She loved and wanted to be loved, she laughed and lived and she did it all at something close to an 11 but she always did it her way. Knowing Nancy was and always will be knowing life, some serious highs, a fair share of lows but always a good time, always a suprise, always a great fuckin ride and good possibility of a titty shot, even if you didn't really want it.
Dear Ant Nancy,
Thanks for teaching me how to take care of myself in ways only someone you share your secrets with can. Thanks for Steven Tyler, Led Zepplin, The Stones and so much more. Thanks for holdin my hair back and holding me while I cried. Thanks for my first real job and my first ride on a Harley. Thanks for giving me the best parts of you and all the in between. I know wherever you are you'll be with me and I know I'm not as angry as I'm trying to be and I know you get that too.
Fuck you, I love you. ~ Meg
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Get a job ya bum...
Portishead and vodka, this is what this day has come to. That's what my secrets have made this day. Secretly I'm a fucking superhero, the sky is purple, I'm everything I want to be and my female organs haven't turned on me and decided they want things. It's only natural to feel disappointed when you realize you're not the superhero you thought you were. These are the sour times and I am a wandering star. Where does that get me? Fucking nowhere. I've been pumping my resume out like a hooker gives out handjobs for the last few weeks. What I have to show for it is a job that is everything I hate about the state of corporate america. Allow me to break it down for you kind folks, 1 hour interview to see if I should get an actual interview. 1 hour for the initial assesment and personality test. 1 hour for the secondary assesment and personality test. 1 hour for the actual interview. 2 hours for the "you got the job, now we want the last ten years of your life" paperwork and 30 minutes for the you could be a junky piss test. So not including the travel time to the individual interviews and the paperwork session from hell, I've already given them 5.5 hours of my life plus permission to dig ten years back into my life for whatever scandelous shit they're looking for. All this just to prove I'm worthy to pick up phones, be nice to people, and join the machine like all the other worker bees. I passed all their tests so far, I mean the drug test hasn't come back yet but I'm a drug free worker bee. No really I am, but passing all these tests hasn't made me feel good, I'm not excited about embarking on my exciting new job as a call center rep, I'm fucking disgusted that I've sold out to, not even the highest, just the first bidder. More than that I'm distraught that my immediete choices are either to sink now or drown later, succumb to the khakis, become the "ideal employee", plaster the fake smile on and pay my fuckin bills or hope for something better. The thing about hope is that it has around the same nutritional value as piece of chalk.
People say "congratulations" and "oh you got a job how great" or"I'm so proud of you!" and after six months of sucking the good ol' unemployment teet all I hear is "took ya long enough", but thats just the little guy in my head that's not what people really think. Or is it? What do "people" really know about where I've been these past few months? Proud of me for what, livin the american dream? Worshipping the almighty dollar so I can get out there and consume the almighty product? I didn't write a bestseller or ride a motorcycle across country, I joined the rest of the unhappily-employed in a rigged ratrace that will eventually land my right back in burn out city with a trigger happy tongue and the same hatred for everything around me that shut down my spirit and killed my worker bee mentality the last time. Misery loves a little company and a big company feeds on misery, starcrossed lovers they are. Whats that you say? A means to an end you say?Three years from a degree to set me free, three years of plaster and koolaid transfusions, three years of chalk and all I see is dust coming out of my mouth as I tell myself I don't have to love it, just do it, like the ad says.
I've lost everything and been free and now its two steps backwards to get to the shiny place in front of me that keeps spitting out hope. Hope is free and anyone can afford it. I've been stockpiling it though its not quite feeding my soul. Then again who really needs a soul when they can have things and stuff to fill the adventure void left by all this american greed. The machine may pay my bills and it can have me for the 40 plus hours a week but i'm only drinking the koolaid because without it I can't continue choking down this pasta. Cheap as it may be pasta and the air sandwiches that go with it, much like hope and chalk have no nutritional value. I miss having money, I miss broccoli and movies, I miss clothes that fit and having money in the bank but mostly I miss being able to take care of myself. In all this I've found myself and even if people don't know, I know. Knowing the rules is the first step to getting where you're going, I am my own evolution. I am no where near complete and this is just a means to an end. No one ever says I want to work in customer service when I grow up, but people, they do it. I'm not people, I am a superhero.
People say "congratulations" and "oh you got a job how great" or"I'm so proud of you!" and after six months of sucking the good ol' unemployment teet all I hear is "took ya long enough", but thats just the little guy in my head that's not what people really think. Or is it? What do "people" really know about where I've been these past few months? Proud of me for what, livin the american dream? Worshipping the almighty dollar so I can get out there and consume the almighty product? I didn't write a bestseller or ride a motorcycle across country, I joined the rest of the unhappily-employed in a rigged ratrace that will eventually land my right back in burn out city with a trigger happy tongue and the same hatred for everything around me that shut down my spirit and killed my worker bee mentality the last time. Misery loves a little company and a big company feeds on misery, starcrossed lovers they are. Whats that you say? A means to an end you say?Three years from a degree to set me free, three years of plaster and koolaid transfusions, three years of chalk and all I see is dust coming out of my mouth as I tell myself I don't have to love it, just do it, like the ad says.
I've lost everything and been free and now its two steps backwards to get to the shiny place in front of me that keeps spitting out hope. Hope is free and anyone can afford it. I've been stockpiling it though its not quite feeding my soul. Then again who really needs a soul when they can have things and stuff to fill the adventure void left by all this american greed. The machine may pay my bills and it can have me for the 40 plus hours a week but i'm only drinking the koolaid because without it I can't continue choking down this pasta. Cheap as it may be pasta and the air sandwiches that go with it, much like hope and chalk have no nutritional value. I miss having money, I miss broccoli and movies, I miss clothes that fit and having money in the bank but mostly I miss being able to take care of myself. In all this I've found myself and even if people don't know, I know. Knowing the rules is the first step to getting where you're going, I am my own evolution. I am no where near complete and this is just a means to an end. No one ever says I want to work in customer service when I grow up, but people, they do it. I'm not people, I am a superhero.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Clean bathrooms, pink ribbons and winsockies.
Chuck Pahluniuk wrote "No matter how much you love someone you'll step back when the pool of their blood inches up too close.", I've been pondering this lately more than usual. On Tuesday someone I love had pieces removed. Not the first pieces, just more pieces. After they took the first pieces she said to me, "Meghan Elizabeth, I want to know what they did with them. They're mine." I didn't really know what to say to this, I think I may have laughed until she laughed. What do you say to that? I mean either you laugh or you cry and she and I, we don't cry, it doesn't work for us, it slows us down. So we laugh until we go back to figuring out how to rule the world. Ruling the world begins with long beautiful hair, your hair is your crown. Next came clean bathrooms, this is key, if you cannot hide that you are human you will never be queen! Also cleanliness lives next to godliness and someday you might need a little god even if its only as a rental. Basically, don't cry over spilt milk, clean that shit up and put it in your pocket, thats a token of cleanliness your gonna trade for a little kindness some day. After this you must own your chosen path of crazy and stick with it. This is essential to your survivor as a ruler, there can be no wavering, no uncalculated shifts in the direction of you and your one woman army. Your mercy is your weakness and your strength, use it with care. Finally, A hard head makes a soft but.
What happens when the Queen loses her crown? You buy her wigs, overpriced, ridiculous, costume wigs and you pray to the god you've been cleaning for that she laughs and wears them.When it's revealed she is, in fact, human and she's cashed in all her spilt milk for a few extra sour years and gone bat shit crazy? You hope its just the cancer fighting the person you love that lived in there.You hope you weren't completely oblivious and blind to who this person was. You wrestle with the thought that what you saw was a mirage.Then you think, "What could a queen have that could cover the interest owed to good old Grim for continued use of the body?". Perhaps the Queen had nothing but pieces, and maybe she wasn't specific enough with one Mr. Grim Reaper, in regard to the terms. Possibly she didn't read the fine print, where it clearly states the good pieces, the kind, loving pieces that the important people love a queen for, those pieces will be the first to go. And if a hard head makes a soft but, what makes a hard head? What makes a hard head? How about banging it against a wall and plotting your next big jump of the sane train, your next bold, death defeating move.That could make a hard head right?
The more important question for me lately is what happens when there are no more pieces to take? When all the harvestable parts have been removed, what exactly is left. I'm trying to believe that the very best parts were passed along to the important people long before the deal with Grim, before the cancer settled in and started redecorating and before we started stepping back. I'm wishing the lessons learned from the Queen before the fall can be remembered longer than the ugliness of a lonely body snatcher named cancer. Each end has its own beginning and somewhere in the middle we turn to run from the puddle that is the inevitable end. No two people will run in the same direction, at the same speed or with the same form but every person will step back before they go and everyone will feel guilt for not going back to stop the blood flow. The last few years I've been stepping further and further back. I've closed my eyes and lost track of the blood but it hasn't stopped pooling. It's survival mode and I may have committed to it. This isn't about CPR or applying pressure, it's not about loving someone enough to splash around in their blood and it isn't about saving them. This is death after life. This is a fight that must be lost eventually because no one gets out alive, no one, literally lives forever. Except maybe a Queen...
What happens when the Queen loses her crown? You buy her wigs, overpriced, ridiculous, costume wigs and you pray to the god you've been cleaning for that she laughs and wears them.When it's revealed she is, in fact, human and she's cashed in all her spilt milk for a few extra sour years and gone bat shit crazy? You hope its just the cancer fighting the person you love that lived in there.You hope you weren't completely oblivious and blind to who this person was. You wrestle with the thought that what you saw was a mirage.Then you think, "What could a queen have that could cover the interest owed to good old Grim for continued use of the body?". Perhaps the Queen had nothing but pieces, and maybe she wasn't specific enough with one Mr. Grim Reaper, in regard to the terms. Possibly she didn't read the fine print, where it clearly states the good pieces, the kind, loving pieces that the important people love a queen for, those pieces will be the first to go. And if a hard head makes a soft but, what makes a hard head? What makes a hard head? How about banging it against a wall and plotting your next big jump of the sane train, your next bold, death defeating move.That could make a hard head right?
The more important question for me lately is what happens when there are no more pieces to take? When all the harvestable parts have been removed, what exactly is left. I'm trying to believe that the very best parts were passed along to the important people long before the deal with Grim, before the cancer settled in and started redecorating and before we started stepping back. I'm wishing the lessons learned from the Queen before the fall can be remembered longer than the ugliness of a lonely body snatcher named cancer. Each end has its own beginning and somewhere in the middle we turn to run from the puddle that is the inevitable end. No two people will run in the same direction, at the same speed or with the same form but every person will step back before they go and everyone will feel guilt for not going back to stop the blood flow. The last few years I've been stepping further and further back. I've closed my eyes and lost track of the blood but it hasn't stopped pooling. It's survival mode and I may have committed to it. This isn't about CPR or applying pressure, it's not about loving someone enough to splash around in their blood and it isn't about saving them. This is death after life. This is a fight that must be lost eventually because no one gets out alive, no one, literally lives forever. Except maybe a Queen...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Vote and see, what's beef?
There is an election coming up and its going to be a bigger one than anyone seems to think. I'm no politician and this all my opinion based on what little I do know, but sadly it seems to be more than most of my generation. I don't know that its truly understood what is actually at stake over the next few years if those of us too busy to care don't find the time to care. There are so many people who don't believe that voting matters. To them I have a challenge: Learn about the candidates for this midterm election and vote. Vote and see. See if your vote matters, if everyone who thinks it doesn't matter took the time out of their day to vote and that shit doesn't matter, then what the fuck did you lose? But, if each of these poor unfortunate "I don't matter" souls voted and it did matter, then this revolution will have begun in a whole new way, more importantly this generation will have learned from its past. Our current President is attempting to clean up an 8 year mess caused by a man who let people in his own country starve for 5 days, relaxed oil drilling and safety laws to near non-existence, "stimulated" the economy by giving millionaires tax breaks, while the rest of us lose our jobs to less expensive sweat shops in other countries and he kicked all this off by sending a large part of our country off to war with a country over his daddys beef. Provided this is not just the eye of the storm and things are finally starting to settle, this is the time to keep it from getting worse for us small people.
President Obama , or Barack as I like to call him when I yell at the television, is trying to get us small people a little help but we have got to start helping ourselves. If a building burned a slow burn for 8 days, then you put it out on day 9, you will never be able to build that building back up, as it was or better, in 2 days and without help 8 days or 80 may not even be enough. As a generation and as a country we are allowing our present mindset and our future lives to be manipulated by money, greed, and a lack of self worth created by a combination of forgotten history, American privledge, mommy and daddy issues and a mainstream media so connected to big business that no one bothers to report the whole news at all anymore. Congress and the president are made to fight like an old married couple but slowly this president has made some progress where others have failed. As the progress begins to roll down it is met with the largest man made "accidental" environmental disaster this country has seen since New Orleans survived Katrina but lost the city to shotty government issue levees. As the wheel of progress gets stuck in crude oil, the Bush relaxed policies and MMS regulations and inspection policies seem to have been forgotten as the cause as people all over the gulf search for some one to blame and someone to do something. Hey America : STOP BLAMING THE FALL GUY, start accepting some responsibility, either you want things done fast or you want things done right but you will never get them both simultaneously.
Republican candidates and supporters all over this country are saying really dumb shit, and getting away with it. Arizona's current governor in attempts to be re-elected couldn't read her own speech during a debate. Moments of silence, giggling and poor english awkwardly holding together a statement that would give Lewis Black a heart attack and this woman is leading in all pre-election polls in Arizona. Glenn Beck is calling our President a racist for attacking or trustbusting big business, which just so happens to be a majority of old white guys who have been making rules for everyone but themselves. All my pal Barack is really trying to do is give the working class people back their chance to survive by taking back the opportunities and principles this country was founded on. If you don't think your vote counts then what do you have to lose by voting because you have everything for yourself and your children to lose if you don't. If you voted for President Obama then give him and the people he supports a chance, help them to help you have a brighter future. Know whats happening and take the time out of your busy money driven, bill ridden existence to see if your vote makes a difference and gets your country back to being yours instead of some unknown "theirs". Vote and see, I fuckin dare you!
President Obama , or Barack as I like to call him when I yell at the television, is trying to get us small people a little help but we have got to start helping ourselves. If a building burned a slow burn for 8 days, then you put it out on day 9, you will never be able to build that building back up, as it was or better, in 2 days and without help 8 days or 80 may not even be enough. As a generation and as a country we are allowing our present mindset and our future lives to be manipulated by money, greed, and a lack of self worth created by a combination of forgotten history, American privledge, mommy and daddy issues and a mainstream media so connected to big business that no one bothers to report the whole news at all anymore. Congress and the president are made to fight like an old married couple but slowly this president has made some progress where others have failed. As the progress begins to roll down it is met with the largest man made "accidental" environmental disaster this country has seen since New Orleans survived Katrina but lost the city to shotty government issue levees. As the wheel of progress gets stuck in crude oil, the Bush relaxed policies and MMS regulations and inspection policies seem to have been forgotten as the cause as people all over the gulf search for some one to blame and someone to do something. Hey America : STOP BLAMING THE FALL GUY, start accepting some responsibility, either you want things done fast or you want things done right but you will never get them both simultaneously.
Republican candidates and supporters all over this country are saying really dumb shit, and getting away with it. Arizona's current governor in attempts to be re-elected couldn't read her own speech during a debate. Moments of silence, giggling and poor english awkwardly holding together a statement that would give Lewis Black a heart attack and this woman is leading in all pre-election polls in Arizona. Glenn Beck is calling our President a racist for attacking or trustbusting big business, which just so happens to be a majority of old white guys who have been making rules for everyone but themselves. All my pal Barack is really trying to do is give the working class people back their chance to survive by taking back the opportunities and principles this country was founded on. If you don't think your vote counts then what do you have to lose by voting because you have everything for yourself and your children to lose if you don't. If you voted for President Obama then give him and the people he supports a chance, help them to help you have a brighter future. Know whats happening and take the time out of your busy money driven, bill ridden existence to see if your vote makes a difference and gets your country back to being yours instead of some unknown "theirs". Vote and see, I fuckin dare you!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
A persons a person no matter how brown.
August 29, 2005 I was learning to drive trucks. I was driving all over the midwest, all over the south with a trainer. We watched as convoys of black vehicles with tinted windows and Army vehicles headed south in the days after the storm. At the time my goal was not killing us while I drove. My focus was on paying the bills that had been piling up and surviving my first few months out in a world I knew nothing about. While I was trying to keep myself together in the truck 20,000 plus people of all colors shapes and sizes were waiting for food, water and rescue. I could sit here and try to write without bringing race or class into it like some reporters and politicians have tried to do but i'm just not that hopeful. There is not a bone in my body that can be convinced that if the majority of people in need of saving had been white and rich, that they would have starved and been left in third world conditions for one day let alone 5 days.
After spending the last few months watching and learning about the past and present New Orleans I have learned that despite my tough bitter exterior I somehow maintain hope that the have nots will some day win over those pesky haves. I have received some very suprising feedback on my hope for the culture of New Orleans to not be lost with all that has happened. I've had friends and family tell me that moving there and trying to help in the rebuilding process would be pointless, that these people don't want help and even that they are nasty people who should not be helped. These are the combined words of several different people who I have grown up with, who have raised me and who despite their lack of hope, I still love.
The compassion and understanding that we lack as a country is an ever festering American disease. We watch bad things happen and move on as quickly as can be to the feel good stories about the puppies saved by Sarah Mclachlin, we turn the TV off for the real news because we are too sensitive or too senseless to know that if it could happen there it could happen anywhere. This week broadcasters, journalist, media, American media, chose to look at the good things that are happening now and some looked back at the past and others chose to go with the feel good stories of hope and rebuilding. The fact is they steered clear of the anger and the frustration, they steered clear of race and class and the pink elephants trampling all over these stories. These stories left out the people who still have not been able to go home, barely touched the true crime of tainted FEMA trailers and plans for less public housing, less affordable homes, the lack of reasonable insurance payouts, the simple things like the rise in homelessness due to the rise in rents, the jobs and schools, these are the details that don't make Americans want to watch. What people in the media and in control seem to be missing is that anyone paying attention knows that for every shiny good thing, for every sparkly piece of hope and spirit that these people have there are ten more things that need help, hope and serious attention. We are living in a time where knowledge is more powerful than ever but less desired by the moment and less retained by the hour.
For every person who wants to know there are twenty who are too busy focusing on their bills their needs and their survival to even consider that anyone may have it worse. It keeps me up at night knowing that now I see and if I do nothing I become the ignorance that I've grown to hate. It breaks my heart to know that in my lifetime there are not only racist people but there are people who truly believe that there is no racism involved in something like the days after Katrina. Rational people with common sense and good hearts who believe any one of many lies we tell ourselves to make tragedies into the victims problem, to make it ok to live with ourselves. The people of New Orleans may have been mean and ornery, rude and tough but the truth we try so hard to ignore is poverty. These people did not have the ability to evacuate for various reasons but I'm willing to bet the majority of them were using public transportation. The difference between New Orleans and Detroit is that when things get tough in Detroit people leave. Things get tough in New Orleans and people stick it out, at times clearly to their own peril. The poor of any city are going to be tough, they are going to be angry and they are going to fight harder than most to survive. I do not believe that the people of Detroit could have survived a disaster like Katrina and I don't believe that as a country we are truly so lacking in compassion that we truly believe it is acceptable to throw away our poor. I do believe that we have given up our belief in community, our faith in one another and our fighting spirit. As a country we've sold our souls for the money, forgotten our dreams and lost our voices along the way. Everyone in this country could learn so much about living if we just took a moment and followed the lead of the people and culture of New Orleans.
There is hope for all of us in the spirit of New Orleans and this week as you eat your meals, take your showers, use a bathroom or just go home, try to think about how you would have lived through their tragedies. Consider you have no car, no transportation and the mayor tells you there is a mandatory evacuation, think what you would do while the city shut down its public transportation, parked its busses and left you behind. Ponder the thought of your government, your emergency aid, your army not noticing 10,000 or so people in one place and 20,000 in another, despite the numerous helicopters flying over them, the news coverage and the unmistakeable need for help. Imagine being told to turn around after reaching a bridge into the next city, being told by men with guns that you are not welcome because with you, come other starving, smelly, needy people. Imagine the stench of waiting five days while people around you died, waiting for food and water that can be air dropped to third world countries across the globe in two days. Think about how you would survive this knowing your home, your community and your family may never be the same. Think how you would feel if you were shipped off to some random strange city to be left no way home whether you had a home to go to or not. Be grateful that you have not lived their tragedy but be mindful of the lesson their spirit, their community and their tradition of survival teaches. Remember how fortunate you are to have the means to leave if you had too and remember those who could not.
A little kindness goes a long way in both bad times and good. The storm may have passed but the damage is not near finished and as we watch stories about Pakistan and Haiti lets not forget our own people trying to survive our own tragedies, lets lead by example and make some effort to keep our eyes, hearts and minds open. This is America and if we cannot give our own people the chance to have things back the way their community wants, the way they were or better, based upon the needs of the community instead of the wants of the few, what does that say about how we, help others. If it could happen to New Orleans, LA it could happen to Bridgeport, CT or Charlotte, NC or Detroit, MI and if you don't think it could happen to you, take a look at your elected officials, thank them keep paying attention and be sure to vote next time around.
After spending the last few months watching and learning about the past and present New Orleans I have learned that despite my tough bitter exterior I somehow maintain hope that the have nots will some day win over those pesky haves. I have received some very suprising feedback on my hope for the culture of New Orleans to not be lost with all that has happened. I've had friends and family tell me that moving there and trying to help in the rebuilding process would be pointless, that these people don't want help and even that they are nasty people who should not be helped. These are the combined words of several different people who I have grown up with, who have raised me and who despite their lack of hope, I still love.
The compassion and understanding that we lack as a country is an ever festering American disease. We watch bad things happen and move on as quickly as can be to the feel good stories about the puppies saved by Sarah Mclachlin, we turn the TV off for the real news because we are too sensitive or too senseless to know that if it could happen there it could happen anywhere. This week broadcasters, journalist, media, American media, chose to look at the good things that are happening now and some looked back at the past and others chose to go with the feel good stories of hope and rebuilding. The fact is they steered clear of the anger and the frustration, they steered clear of race and class and the pink elephants trampling all over these stories. These stories left out the people who still have not been able to go home, barely touched the true crime of tainted FEMA trailers and plans for less public housing, less affordable homes, the lack of reasonable insurance payouts, the simple things like the rise in homelessness due to the rise in rents, the jobs and schools, these are the details that don't make Americans want to watch. What people in the media and in control seem to be missing is that anyone paying attention knows that for every shiny good thing, for every sparkly piece of hope and spirit that these people have there are ten more things that need help, hope and serious attention. We are living in a time where knowledge is more powerful than ever but less desired by the moment and less retained by the hour.
For every person who wants to know there are twenty who are too busy focusing on their bills their needs and their survival to even consider that anyone may have it worse. It keeps me up at night knowing that now I see and if I do nothing I become the ignorance that I've grown to hate. It breaks my heart to know that in my lifetime there are not only racist people but there are people who truly believe that there is no racism involved in something like the days after Katrina. Rational people with common sense and good hearts who believe any one of many lies we tell ourselves to make tragedies into the victims problem, to make it ok to live with ourselves. The people of New Orleans may have been mean and ornery, rude and tough but the truth we try so hard to ignore is poverty. These people did not have the ability to evacuate for various reasons but I'm willing to bet the majority of them were using public transportation. The difference between New Orleans and Detroit is that when things get tough in Detroit people leave. Things get tough in New Orleans and people stick it out, at times clearly to their own peril. The poor of any city are going to be tough, they are going to be angry and they are going to fight harder than most to survive. I do not believe that the people of Detroit could have survived a disaster like Katrina and I don't believe that as a country we are truly so lacking in compassion that we truly believe it is acceptable to throw away our poor. I do believe that we have given up our belief in community, our faith in one another and our fighting spirit. As a country we've sold our souls for the money, forgotten our dreams and lost our voices along the way. Everyone in this country could learn so much about living if we just took a moment and followed the lead of the people and culture of New Orleans.
There is hope for all of us in the spirit of New Orleans and this week as you eat your meals, take your showers, use a bathroom or just go home, try to think about how you would have lived through their tragedies. Consider you have no car, no transportation and the mayor tells you there is a mandatory evacuation, think what you would do while the city shut down its public transportation, parked its busses and left you behind. Ponder the thought of your government, your emergency aid, your army not noticing 10,000 or so people in one place and 20,000 in another, despite the numerous helicopters flying over them, the news coverage and the unmistakeable need for help. Imagine being told to turn around after reaching a bridge into the next city, being told by men with guns that you are not welcome because with you, come other starving, smelly, needy people. Imagine the stench of waiting five days while people around you died, waiting for food and water that can be air dropped to third world countries across the globe in two days. Think about how you would survive this knowing your home, your community and your family may never be the same. Think how you would feel if you were shipped off to some random strange city to be left no way home whether you had a home to go to or not. Be grateful that you have not lived their tragedy but be mindful of the lesson their spirit, their community and their tradition of survival teaches. Remember how fortunate you are to have the means to leave if you had too and remember those who could not.
A little kindness goes a long way in both bad times and good. The storm may have passed but the damage is not near finished and as we watch stories about Pakistan and Haiti lets not forget our own people trying to survive our own tragedies, lets lead by example and make some effort to keep our eyes, hearts and minds open. This is America and if we cannot give our own people the chance to have things back the way their community wants, the way they were or better, based upon the needs of the community instead of the wants of the few, what does that say about how we, help others. If it could happen to New Orleans, LA it could happen to Bridgeport, CT or Charlotte, NC or Detroit, MI and if you don't think it could happen to you, take a look at your elected officials, thank them keep paying attention and be sure to vote next time around.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wooden horses and lighthouses.
Atlanta, Austin, New Orleans, San Francisco, Hoka Minnesota,Savannah, they're all places, places I've been, places I haven't been. All places I will live, all places I need to experience. Everyone has destinations, dreams, hopes and plans they'd like to see happen someday. The thing about someday is someday never just comes. Someday takes more than a daydream or a manic episode, it takes a plan and the focus and drive to act on that plan. John Lennon said "Life is what happens while you're making other plans.", we have all experienced this and know it to be an accurate observation. It's a fair warning that plans like rules are meant to be questioned, challenged, forgotten, faulty and broken. Faith, hope, experience, perseverence and wisdom are major contributors to the completion of any plan big or small. The plans we make, the dreams we have are all possible if we commit to kicking the roadblocks down. The world is filled with people who turn around at the sight of a road block and never venture to look back. There are others of us that maybe not the first time, maybe not the fifth time but eventually we will power on through the roadblock and take the path we planned despite the unknown. I've made as many roadblocks as I've knocked over and I'm sure to make and find plenty more along the way, but eventually they all come down.
I've had a million different plans over the years, some more ridiculous and outlandish than others but the ones that have happened and the ones that will happen are generally planned well in advance. The plans of the past have taught me well, to plan better, to be prepared for glitches and to watch for signs, literally and figuratively. I've spent most of my short life planning escapes into dreams out of realities and out of dreams into realities. I have no doubt that when I'm old and gray, rotting away in the old folks home, I will have the best stories. I know what it looks like out there in the world outside of Connecticut and I have no intention of leaving without a little more than I came back with last time, but I have every intention of leaving. For now the plan is simple, finish this ten year associates degree, spend as much time with the people I love as possible, move to New Orleans, learn some shit, help some people, live a little and love some more. Is this easy or perfect or what you'd want to do? No way. Is this what I'm going to do? More or less, yes.
The thing is most people don't consider that they really can be the firefighter or the cowboy, the nurse or the teacher, the astronaut or the rockstar. For most people the child they were turns into the adult they never wanted to be and thats the end of dreams. Everything I wanted to do when I was ten, I've done and 17 years from now I want to be able to say everything I wanted for myself at 27, I've accomplished. No ones life is easy and nothing worth having comes easily but everything we want is possible if we just remember ourselves. I don't always know where I'm going exactly, or when I'll get there but if I really want to go anywhere in life, I'll go. There will always be setbacks, there are no smooth rides and there are no easy out buttons, but the possibility for someday to become next year, next month, next week or tomorrow is much closer to real than most people seem to realize anymore. I've spent some time without a plan, stepped into the drone shoes and drank the koolaid for awhile and now more than ever I know that is not who I am meant to be. Sometimes knowing who you aren't is enough to keep you kicking through roadblocks and gasping for air. I'm not walking up all these stairs just to walk back down, I'm gonna brave the rain, step outside and love the view from the top. Are you?
I've had a million different plans over the years, some more ridiculous and outlandish than others but the ones that have happened and the ones that will happen are generally planned well in advance. The plans of the past have taught me well, to plan better, to be prepared for glitches and to watch for signs, literally and figuratively. I've spent most of my short life planning escapes into dreams out of realities and out of dreams into realities. I have no doubt that when I'm old and gray, rotting away in the old folks home, I will have the best stories. I know what it looks like out there in the world outside of Connecticut and I have no intention of leaving without a little more than I came back with last time, but I have every intention of leaving. For now the plan is simple, finish this ten year associates degree, spend as much time with the people I love as possible, move to New Orleans, learn some shit, help some people, live a little and love some more. Is this easy or perfect or what you'd want to do? No way. Is this what I'm going to do? More or less, yes.
The thing is most people don't consider that they really can be the firefighter or the cowboy, the nurse or the teacher, the astronaut or the rockstar. For most people the child they were turns into the adult they never wanted to be and thats the end of dreams. Everything I wanted to do when I was ten, I've done and 17 years from now I want to be able to say everything I wanted for myself at 27, I've accomplished. No ones life is easy and nothing worth having comes easily but everything we want is possible if we just remember ourselves. I don't always know where I'm going exactly, or when I'll get there but if I really want to go anywhere in life, I'll go. There will always be setbacks, there are no smooth rides and there are no easy out buttons, but the possibility for someday to become next year, next month, next week or tomorrow is much closer to real than most people seem to realize anymore. I've spent some time without a plan, stepped into the drone shoes and drank the koolaid for awhile and now more than ever I know that is not who I am meant to be. Sometimes knowing who you aren't is enough to keep you kicking through roadblocks and gasping for air. I'm not walking up all these stairs just to walk back down, I'm gonna brave the rain, step outside and love the view from the top. Are you?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Meghanomics 101
Over the last few weeks of silence I've completed my algebra requirements, spent some time partying and sleeping away my unemployement depression and now I'm pissed off again and ready to write. I'll begin with a little math and then maybe we can move on to some sociology. Get some milk and cookies, unbutton your pants and get relaxed, I've got alot to cover and I don't want you wandering.
There are approximately 310 million people in this country, about 30 percent of these people are not of a "working" age, and 20 percent of these people are currently unemployed and recieving some kind of aid, 2 percent are exceedingly wealthy and we'll say a hopeful 13 percent of Americans are living in poverty. Now for the moment lets pretend all of these are completely proven facts. Giving some overlap room to unemployed and poverty stricken Americans lets say 40 percent of the American people are somehow surviving, 2 percent are tax free and loving it and 43 percent should be severely pissed off right now. 10 percent are going to die before it matters and well why should they care, we've given them no reason to.
By any and all descriptions of majority rule the severely pissed off should be kicking asses and taking names by now, so where are the fuck are we America? Oh did Jersey Shore start a new season? Did Bethany finally get married and are John and Kate officially divorced? Oh wait Kourtney Kardashian passed out after excessively exercising for that post baby bikini shoot, let me get my medical book and we can all figure out what she could have done better. WHAT THE FUCK! News reporters have apparently given up on reporting actual news and I actually saw a report yesterday on a legit political topic (Anthony Weiner, NY representative blowing up over 9/11 bill going unpassed despite majority in favor) where the reporter rather than risk having a mind of her own or simply researching the actual topic, she stated she didn't know the particulars of the bill and had no idea what Anthony Weiner was screaming about and it was "Such a turn off". Susan B. Anthony is flailing around in her grave right now. All the pretty make up and perky tits don't put a brain in your head Miss Perino. This is not a dignified or graceful time in our great country please take your charm school head out of the sand or get ready to become extinct with the rest of the weak.
Its not just fox news giving you the finger America its all media thats treating you like kittens with catnip and strings to keep you busy while the dog is in the kitchen eating your food. Multitasking looks great on a resume, ability to do a million things at once is the new American dream both at home and work, but what are we really retaining of what we see? Pictures of movie stars are selling at prices that would keep me comfortable for a year maybe two but we are hard pressed to get a current valid picture of what the oil is doing to the gulf coast. Fisherman helping with cleanup or living in coastal communities are not only being told "oh too bad, must have been something you ate or sprayed or breathed in that has nothing to do with BP." but they're also being given the old "check is in the mail" story. Meanwhile the majority of the country is talking about Lyndsay and ooh what's Snookie gonna do this season? Wake the fuck up, how is the most talked about thing about the Presidents interview on the View, the fact that he doesn't know who Snookie is? No one should know who she is! She is a distraction from the reality of where we are as a people and we buy it hook line and sinker.
I find it painful, to believe that the people of this country would rather remain numb and dazzled by overtanned unrealistic plastic people than stand up for the rights many before us fought decades to gain. Political leaders are building our country to suit their needs rather than ours and our childrens. 97 percent of us will never be in the top 2 percent, we will never stand to lose by taxing the overwhelmingly wealthy and we will never stand to gain by hiding big businesses immense fuck ups. The gulf coast could use some paparazzi, so can the 9/11 first responders, the unemployed, the under-insured and the impoverish Americans. Get out your cameras people this is not going to be your grandparents revolution, there will be shouting there will be screaming and with even half of the majority getting off their asses there will be progress.
There are approximately 310 million people in this country, about 30 percent of these people are not of a "working" age, and 20 percent of these people are currently unemployed and recieving some kind of aid, 2 percent are exceedingly wealthy and we'll say a hopeful 13 percent of Americans are living in poverty. Now for the moment lets pretend all of these are completely proven facts. Giving some overlap room to unemployed and poverty stricken Americans lets say 40 percent of the American people are somehow surviving, 2 percent are tax free and loving it and 43 percent should be severely pissed off right now. 10 percent are going to die before it matters and well why should they care, we've given them no reason to.
By any and all descriptions of majority rule the severely pissed off should be kicking asses and taking names by now, so where are the fuck are we America? Oh did Jersey Shore start a new season? Did Bethany finally get married and are John and Kate officially divorced? Oh wait Kourtney Kardashian passed out after excessively exercising for that post baby bikini shoot, let me get my medical book and we can all figure out what she could have done better. WHAT THE FUCK! News reporters have apparently given up on reporting actual news and I actually saw a report yesterday on a legit political topic (Anthony Weiner, NY representative blowing up over 9/11 bill going unpassed despite majority in favor) where the reporter rather than risk having a mind of her own or simply researching the actual topic, she stated she didn't know the particulars of the bill and had no idea what Anthony Weiner was screaming about and it was "Such a turn off". Susan B. Anthony is flailing around in her grave right now. All the pretty make up and perky tits don't put a brain in your head Miss Perino. This is not a dignified or graceful time in our great country please take your charm school head out of the sand or get ready to become extinct with the rest of the weak.
Its not just fox news giving you the finger America its all media thats treating you like kittens with catnip and strings to keep you busy while the dog is in the kitchen eating your food. Multitasking looks great on a resume, ability to do a million things at once is the new American dream both at home and work, but what are we really retaining of what we see? Pictures of movie stars are selling at prices that would keep me comfortable for a year maybe two but we are hard pressed to get a current valid picture of what the oil is doing to the gulf coast. Fisherman helping with cleanup or living in coastal communities are not only being told "oh too bad, must have been something you ate or sprayed or breathed in that has nothing to do with BP." but they're also being given the old "check is in the mail" story. Meanwhile the majority of the country is talking about Lyndsay and ooh what's Snookie gonna do this season? Wake the fuck up, how is the most talked about thing about the Presidents interview on the View, the fact that he doesn't know who Snookie is? No one should know who she is! She is a distraction from the reality of where we are as a people and we buy it hook line and sinker.
I find it painful, to believe that the people of this country would rather remain numb and dazzled by overtanned unrealistic plastic people than stand up for the rights many before us fought decades to gain. Political leaders are building our country to suit their needs rather than ours and our childrens. 97 percent of us will never be in the top 2 percent, we will never stand to lose by taxing the overwhelmingly wealthy and we will never stand to gain by hiding big businesses immense fuck ups. The gulf coast could use some paparazzi, so can the 9/11 first responders, the unemployed, the under-insured and the impoverish Americans. Get out your cameras people this is not going to be your grandparents revolution, there will be shouting there will be screaming and with even half of the majority getting off their asses there will be progress.
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