Flutterby war

Tonight as I left work I attempted to save a butterfly. It was sitting on the ground in the center of the doorway. I'm not sure why but in that moment it seemed so beautiful and so important to save that one creature from being stomped on by some asshole in too much of a rush to notice it. The next person to walk by, as I blocked the doorway with this intense need not to let someone kill beauty, he said firmly "its not a butterfly, its a moth."~ he still tried right along with me to save this creature. I'm not much of a buddhist and normally I'd have been the asshole in a rush but a little more each day I'm noticing there are times to trust my instincts even if they send me places I wouldn't naturally go. I believe in magic, signs and souls as much as I believe in science and logic. Perhaps more even. In a world filled with craziness I think maybe all we can believe in and trust is our intuitions and these intense moments that many of us dismiss in our insistance on being rational adults. As aware as I am that every butterfly must die and as odd it is that I spent five minutes today doing my best to prolong that creatures life, It was far and away the best five minutes of my day. I wonder what kind of world it would be if every minute of every day could be as beautiful as that winged creature.


For two weeks now I've been grasping for perspective and dodging the urge to trust myself in this newly prescribed "adult" version of me I'm desperately trying to become. Everything we do leads us to the person we are meant to be and maybe it was just a moth, and maybe it only lived a short time longer, but in a society where life is so easily taken for granted, who decides the chain of events? How does the fate of that creature or any other get decided? Nature? What is nature really, aside from a series of scientific combinations and reactions? Is there a natural order to the way each and everything happens or is it all just chaos and we rationalize it down to understandable bits so that we can go on with our day to day, me, me, you, us and back to me, bullshit? Are we so removed from ourselves that we forget to take the warnings our hearts, our souls give us about the things we have yet to do. Where did our adventure go? Have we lost our trust and hope to a world so much more a machine than it was ever meant to be or can we still pull back the line and get our spirits back. Eventually every machine will shut down and "civilization" will begin again with a whole new set of tools and rules and creatures to save. By denying our nature do we damage the natural order of existance for generations to come or will this denial of nature and instinct prove a positive contribution to the future?

As individuals the impact we have on the world around us both naturally and socially can be much more important in the little things we do or don't do, than we will ever know. Had I walked out a different door that butterfly may have died or maybe it wouldn't, for me that is enough to show me the importance of the minor details I normally ignore. Wether I saved a butterfly or a small child, life comes with no guarauntees and we are all left to decide at our own pace if we will be part of the machine made by man or the order created by the chaos of nature. As uncertain and frightening as the world without modern day societal structure may seem, a time is coming fast around the bend where chaos will once again put us in our place. What would you do if you knew you were dying? If you knew the world around you was about to drastically change? There's adventure in the wind and that is the chaos I'd live to live in. How about you?

Boxes made of plastic fortunes.

As a child I believed a priveledge was something lost when you were bad, priorities were not embarrassing the mommy, pasta was better than beans and poverty was what happened if you ran away from home. As an adult I know that priveledge is every freedom we take for granted, priorities are surviving much more than embarrassment and poverty tastes much worse than beans. I grow up knowing struggle was and always will be part of life and as time passes I learn to roll more readily with the punches. I am reminded daily of my goals and inspired more in these past few weeks to push harder. Each day I go to work dreaming of a time I can enjoy what I do and each night I come home hoping I can somehow forget how utterly ignorant people are. I spend 8 hours a day listening to people cry poverty over a non-essential expense and each time I think - if you can still consider this a priority you cannot be that poor.

Is this just my opinion or is it fact? Am I thinking too far outside the box or has the box moved and I've been left behind. It seems that somewhere along the way society has added a third mirage group of haves to the traditional haves and have nots. Keeping up appearances and charging it all the way home. We are a society living the lie I hear in the voices of wildly disillusioned customers every day. Believing each in our own way that having things is a right we earn simply by wanting. Building debts to ensure our place among the economically priveledged, creating a false sense of security and entitlement all to "fit in". A commodity is defined most simply as anything that is bought and sold. A necessity on the other hand is defined as essential. When did the two become so very intertwined? We systematically live beyond our means and wake up expecting things to get better but they won't. Nothing about the way we live as a society is built to survive the inevitable reality check that has been left unopened on the table.

The ones who will survive won't be the haves or the underpriveledged over entitled "mirage" haves. The survivors will be the have nots for they are the most prepared. The have nots are the most skilled at survival and know the art of living simple. They alone have the truest appreciation for life and the most real understanding of happiness. I aspire to be as strong, happy, aware and prepared for the downturns of life as this socially overlooked group of people. I am not embarrassed of my experiences, I'll not be ashamed of my means or forget my priorities. It is my belief the have nots have more support, love and ability to thrive under even the worst of circumstances and I am not there yet but I am fortunate enough to be very, very close.