The Gay Mans Guide to a Hurricane

The Gay Mans Guide to a Hurricane

A Guest Blog By: Kid Kelvin Carney

I have only known two ladies by the name of Sandy, the first is a scruffy companion to the a little curly red-haired girl named Annie. The second was this Australian broad that fell in love with some bloke Danny. 

Now rumor is that the next one I get to meet is going to be a real bitch, on her super period. I am hoping she is wearing a super maxi pad cause this is going to be her heavy flow days. How do you deal with a problem like Sandy?

Lighting

Don’t get your average handy man flashlight, the one I picked up has a red light going on, a little mood lighting if you will. The second source is normally as boring as candle, but gay men just don’t do that. Pick one up with a little scent and flavor, these are multi-functional, see if the power goes out and you can’t wash your butt, a nice Yankee Candle will hide your stench.

Cleanliness

Keeping you butt clean should be a main concern. You can fill up your tub with water and use that to clean up your pits, but there are also these handy dandy flushable wipes to help clean your man parts spic and span. 

Food

They say to get non-perishable items during the storm of the century, but lets be real there are too many carbs in those. Get yourself some fresh fruit and veggies, but don’t forget about all those frozen veggies in the freezer. Once the power goes out take those out, once defrosted, you get to take a trip down the vegan highway. Also buy some eggs and boil them for a great source of protein. Now every girl needs atleast a few carbs in her life, I suggest getting some bagels for a morning treat, dry cereal, and some chips. You will need these for the party you are about to have.

Drinks

Get some bottled water, sparkling if you like. Although the water is important the real issue should be you alcohol shortage. If you like beer, stay away from it during these hard times! If you lose power, it will get warm and all skunky. Get some wine, vodka, bourbon, whiskey. If you are like me and forgot to get a mixer for your vodka, there is a quick fix. Boil some water, tie 4 tea bags to a skewer and steep. Once cooled this will serve as a perfect mixer for the dark nights ahead.

Lastly, we cannot forget the Entertainment!

If you are like me, you have tons of technology. Make sure you get your laptop charged up. This can be used to watch movies, all kinds if you catch my drift. Your kindle or e-reader, we need to use every chance we have to keep ahead of the hetero-sexual curve.  Camera, there are always opportunities for a great shot. I-Pad or another tablet to watch movies, listen to music, or use as extra lighting.

What is real life?

What I wanted to say after reading a strangers profile: I'm all for feminism, I'm cool with that, really. I'm just not so into, the whole, "non-conformist" ~ conformist ~ Can't take a joke, half-assed, lady plastic, butch wannabe, who I'd bet money, wouldn't hold a door open for her mother, Because "ya know women's rights and all." Your 27, life's been so hard on you, you've seen the world, you've been judged by your outside appearance and you're actually offended that you even have a gender. Really, tell me more about how you really have it hard and how you're getting you're Doctorate and you don't know what you want to do with your life but you know what everyone else should do with theirs. News flash, no one does and you are a pretentious attention whore...(sincerely, the blogger with too many ideas on what to do with my life.)
What I said instead: Nothing
What if people actually said things like that to one another? "Hey I know I've never once met you, but, you present like an asshole on the interwebs, is that really who you are? Wait no, stop typing, with all your education you should know, that was a rhetorical question. Of course you're really an asshole. I'm talking to you and I have great radar for you're kind. You've been identified I'm reporting you to the board, It's ok they work wonders , they'll have you behaving like less of a douche in no time. If you get really lucky people will even start taking you seriously.
Or, on the flip side, what if people saw something amazing and instead of saying nothing they said "Hey, I know we don't know each other but, I have zebra sheets. I like the way you say my name and right now that's all either of us needs to know. Lets go be random together.
Clearly there's no Board of Douchebag Rehabilitation or BDR (pronounced "Better" for giggles and shits), but wouldn't that be a different world. Checking your privilege is a privilege of the over-privileged by its very nature.What person trying to claw their way to respect or equality or even just appreciation  has the time to sit around being offended by life and culture and society?
As I prepare for a winter of doing everything I can to ensure I'm making shit happen and moving forward. I cannot help but wonder how it is that more of the world is not wiped out by spontaneous combustion just for thinking about half the things I think about, and then I realize I must have way too much time on my hands, if this is what I'm thinking about when I could be bettering myself. There is a grand difference between offended and irate. History gives us a clear impression of how the power of a true purity of the irate, can demolish the delicate senselessness of the offended every time. Life is precious and I have zebra sheets, art on my walls, and a bucket list that must be completed to reach the next level. Lets go be random together. Until I get irate, I'm, not offended easily, unless you call me white, or straight or well adjusted, or nice or...