I met me at a strange time in my growth...

I used to know this Bartender, we called her Donna Do Ya Wanna, It was a lifetime ago. She used to Tape up my cigarettes when I wasn't looking.I'd go to smoke my next one and she'd be standin behind the bar with this big ass smile on her face and then tell me I shouldn't smoke so fuckin much. One Friday my Aunt and I were headin to the bar after work and she had to stop on the way so she told me to go ahead, she'd meet me there. Underage and stupid I said sure and headed down to see Donna Do Ya Wanna. I walk in alone, sit down and tell her I want a Budlight. She proceeds to ask me for my license and pop quiz me on my date of birth. I proceed to pass the quiz and advise her I forgot my license. The only reason I think I managed to convince her was because I really don't think I had my license with me that night, but after some jokes about my age and hers she finally gave me a beer. I tell her my Aunt is on her way, put my money on the bar in front of me and light up my cigarette. My Aunt showed up like 2 hours later, by which time Donna Do Ya Wanna has fed me atleast 6 beers and I was "possibly" drunk, Ok, "probably" drunk.My Aunt comes in has a few cocktails and we go home. A few weeks later, on my 21st birthday, my Aunt takes me to this bar Alphas down the street from my house. I had a Stoli and orange to match her Stoli and rasberry, we did a shot and went off to see Donna Do Ya Wanna where I proudly tossed her my license and asked for a beer. She called me little liar and handed me my beer. I drank with my Aunts and my Brother that night then went home, to a packed house, for a party my other family had thrown me at the house. At the time I lived with 5 guys not including the rotating guy on the couch, my other brothers.I don't remember everything about that not since i was possibly, probly, ok lets be honest I was, drunk as fuck. What I do remember is most, if not all of the people I wanted there were. I also recall a topless congo line and passing out as the sun came up among a few other things that weren't gone when the booze worked its way out of my system.

My Aunt is dead now along with one or two other people that were at that party but that was a kickass party, to end an insane week of birthday partying. Now almost 9 years earlier, I haven't spent a week celebrating my birthday since then but birthdays are still special. Even more so now than before, life is special, too special in some cases, just not quite special enough in others. I have this family of amazing brothers and a few real sisters who add to my already interesting, original family of misfits and weirdos. Some of them have even been reproducing and the thing about getting older is it's not the same as growth. You make it to another year, but you don't get handed all the tools to grow, you have to look for them, you have to earn them.

                            I still have a lot to earn but there's a lot I've learned in a short couple of years that seemed, frankly, way too long. Every mistaken turn and each fucked up, manic, decision has led me to the person I am today. My past is fuel for the next scary decision, emotion, change and I know many of the things I've done may not make for the best story, but I've got a shit ton of stories and a little to grow on, and that's how I know I'm living. Donna Do Ya Wanna calls me a liar to this day and she's likely the only person in my life I'd ever really let call me one. Because she cracks me up, because its a good story, because in that case its true. When it comes down to it I kinda hate lying, I have this belief that the only acceptable lie to tell is one that saves you from harm. I didn't always feel this way, it was something I earned along the way, like picking up fire power in Super Mario Brothers - the original -, I didn't know it was valuable til I got it. When I did, it was crystal clear to me that I needed to hold on to it if I intended to survive. I'm not exactly a good person but I do my best not to lie about dumb shit. In the same way, I do my best to keep holding on to the lessons of past mistakes in a positive way. Life is too precious, I know, it sounds cliche, but its the truth. We live and then we don't but someone else remembers something else we did  and that holds us over, carries us on in some greater way. I may be bat shit crazy, and I may have lived as a kaleidoscope of people I barely remember, but somewhere, someone remembers a version of me from 2002, 2006, 1997, 1985, 2009, and I hope that only the best parts of those versions came up with me to the next adventure, year, level, of life. Sometimes that means the sad parts too. I've never been who I am right  this moment and still I've been this person my whole life. That changes everything, and it's good, pretty damned good. Sure there's people missing but it's all part of exactly where I am and who I want to be. Sometimes, always, you're exactly who you're meant to be and occasionally that means you're going to be someone else and that person will also be you.