For a Slammy...

It's not everyday people come into your life and just fit, they click, they get you and understand or at least respect, how you love, live and grow. I've been fortunate in my life to meet enough of these kinds of people to know how truly great the world can be. We don't get a second chance in this life to make certain decisions about who we are going to be and at the same time it's my belief that if we work for them, we get all the chances, all the opportunities, we wake up every day with a chance to be better, do better and learn from the person we were days months years ago. The people who have helped me grow the most have no fucking clue how they've changed my life and shown me who I wanted to be. I think people have forgotten in ways we may not fully realize as a society, until it's too late, how important that can be for someone, gratitude, genuine love and appreciation for the exchange that is friendship and companionship with each other, fellow human beans(yea, I meant to type beans, like MAGICK!). The times we are living in give us this false sense of security in the way things are. A perception of how it should be, according to a whole lot of people who don't know shit about the life you've lived and the story your scars may or may not tell. A perception of who you should be aligning perfectly with the scale of miserable to happiest person on earth in just such a way that nobody's happier than anyone else because we're all miserable together. I don't feel secure in those ideas at all but I know they're out there. I know there are people pulling strings and pushing buttons because "It makes them feel better" or gets them where they want to go. I know that the world we live in is filled with people who will push you down just to get a better view. I also know that people are capable of so much more. Imagine a world where people truly strive to just be better. A world where there's always someone you can go to and talk to because they'll always make the time because they have it, because they're able, because they know time is something worth spending with a friend. In the words of a great man, that shit would be, Radical.

I try to live my life in a way where the people I love, know it.The people who help me to get through a day, a week, a year, a lifetime aren't forgotten in the movin and groovin of everyday life. Sometimes, I fail at this. Frequently, like anyone else I say to myself "I gotta call (Insert name of friend I haven't seen in forever but really miss at that moment cuz of some weird memory only they would appreciate....), then like a human who hates the impersonal nature of the interwebs I try to think of the best time to call that person where we might be able to actually have a conversation of substance. Then, inevitably, I fail. I get too busy. Too stressed. Too full of bullshit excuses and 3 weeks to three months later I still haven't called whoever it was, and by the time I get around to having time it's generally a few months later. Not because I actually didn't have the time, more because I simply didn't make the time. We don't always realize what's important, what we need to make time for and what can wait. As we evolve we gotta stop, take a minute and recognize that we are nothing if we forget those that build us up. It's some pretty profound yet fundamental shit.

 We are nothing if we forget those who build us up.

The world is full of people who help us become better versions of ourselves. Not all of them can be repaid their kindness. Not all of them need to know how deeply they've touched our lives. If you feel moved to tell some one, in whatever way you can, then fuck it, don't look back just tell them. Be it in actions or love or words. I feel like it's the ninth secret of the universe or some shit and we've all just been fucking it up for centuries, ponder it. Simmer on this shit, people, telling each other ya know, that they give a shit about each other! I know right!?! WOW!! What kind of crazy hippy idealistic bullshit am I selling here! Think about it though, it's super basic, like a pyramid scheme and shit. People are nice to each other, it spreads, they get confident about being nice to each other and branch out now being nice to strangers who then repeat the kindness and it continues to spread! Crazy. Utter nonsense. But it could happen. If we made time. to think about how little it really takes to change someones day, attitude, life.

Today Slammy would have been 31 years old. I met him through a friend I haven't spoken with in years, he walked in on movie night and we just chilled, he was funny and real and full of fucking energy. We quickly started hanging out, he told me his story and I told him some of mine and we were friends, it was automatic and simple. No bullshit. We told each other what we thought, laughed, talked about all sorts of crazy shit. He showed me some of my favorite places in the state of Connecticut, some of the most breathtaking and beautiful views I have seen yet in my short little life. He was an explorer, an adventurer a liver of life and one of those friends you could talk to for hours about nothing or everything. He was a friend. A friend who helped me survive living below the poverty level, while unemployed and finishing an associates degree that I knew would get me a job still doing nothing I liked. He encouraged my writing helped me with algebra and showed me how to find the laughter at a time when everything was so ridiculously serious and intense and ultimately painful. He used to walk into my apartment on a Friday or Saturday night after clubbing or partying or whatever crazy shit he'd gotten into and at the time I could easily be found on either evening, watching Reba, in my house sweater, on the couch like a finely tuned 90 year old woman. Sometimes it would be just him, sometimes he'd have guests and we would mute Reba so he could tell me about the night he'd had or just hang out and be ridiculous, He'd then come back the next day and drag me out to go hiking or have a beer if either of us had the dolla dolla bills. (It was more likely hiking at the time.) He got me out of the house and out of my head, taught me more than I will ever remember about how shit grows in this world. I called him my biologist, he loved that shit, plants and nature. He loved, nature and his friends, his family, his siblings he loved a good story and a good time but mostly he loved people. He loved so damned hard, like with his whole heart and shit.

A few days ago Slammy, lost his life, I lost a friend. A mother, lost her son. Siblings lost their brother and the world lost someone who could have changed it. A biologist, A spirit, a lost soul who still had a chance. Until he didn't.

Everyday until you die you make choices. Choices that effect you and those around you, and everyday you live with those choices. Meaning every fucking day of your life you have the opportunity to choose better, for yourself. The only person who can make those choices for you is you. If it makes the majority of people around you hurt maybe it's a choice you should re-examine. If it will ultimately make your life a more positive one, fuckin go for it, fuckem if they can't see that, but if you happen to be spiraling into the abyss of whatever bullshit you're selling yourself and the world around you, maybe take a moment and check yourself. Life is just too short. If you completely stop asking yourself "Hey are these good decisions?", if you stop making time for a friend in need before a needy friend. If you stop recognizing the good in people or reaching out for those who truly love you, If you forget who you are, find a friend. One of those real ones and ask for a little help getting by, because a true friend will build you back up and help you however they can as long as you keep it real, whether they've known you 6 months, a year, or a lifetime.

Perhaps I'm overly optimistic, but I'd like to think everyone has at least one true friend they can call when the going gets tough. Perhaps I'm a hypocrite or maybe I've just been here before but I don't have it in me to watch people I love dive head first into oblivion. I've learned the hard way to step back, I'll be around if you need me but I won't watch anyone spiral out. After spending many years being someone I didn't like, I began the swim out of my own shit and despite each of our struggles being so completely different, Slammy was there. Building me up. Sometimes because he saw that I was a hot mess and other times he had no idea, but he helped me grow into a better person and for that I will forever be in debt to him. Of course this means in his passing I find myself feeling all the feels of regret. I find myself sad over all the things you're sad about when some one leaves this world way too soon and frustrated with myself because I didn't call more, I didn't make time. Thought about that twinkle eyed motha truckin fool at least once a week but sold myself the lie that there would be more time later. I'm currently fighting my guilt with the idea that the phone goes both fucking ways and my number hasn't changed in almost 15 years now. Doesn't make it right or easier but it helps me keep perspective. At the end of the day if you need a friend, find one, if you are a friend, be one, because you never know when it might make all the difference. I think if everyone did this, if everyone just lived this, people would know they could and a whole lot of shit might be a whole lot better.  I really and truly believe we can all be better. Ain't that some shit...

Dear Slammy,
Wherever you are, it's coasters for you when we meet again. Coasters mothafucker. It's the fourth fuckin commandment and ya broke that shit so, Coasters. In the mean time, If there is an afterlife I'm sure my people have found you by now tell em Large Marge sent ya...
Love, peace and chicken grease, Slammy