I make bad decisions. I'm extremely good at it really, it's a special kind of skill. Over the past few years I've been really working towards making better bad decisions. You know, the kind of bad decisions that really don't hurt because while the shit you learn from them may be hard, they change your life in a good way. I've done a lot of things in a fairly short life. I don't regret much and I get better with age but the things I do all bring me somewhere closer to who I wanted to be when I was twelve. Not that I want to be exactly that person my twelve year old self envisioned me as, but the basics are slowly getting covered. Life is never going to turn out exactly as you envision. Life is living and its ugly and beautiful at exactly the same times and places. You move so quickly at times, towards things, wants, desires, fantasies, that you forget to just live. The only expectations that truly, honestly matter are, your own. Maybe the more you live, the less you care what anyone else thinks about how and on the rare occasion you do, happen to have, a single fuck to give for what another living person thinks, of you, or anything else. At the end of that fucking roller coaster of fear and foolishness, you are still standing with yourself and if you're lucky, a few really good friends. So even then, who really matters?
So I make these decisions to just do the shit people say not to, and I make these choices based on what feels right. Then, I live these ridiculous decisions out until they're over and the choices were clearly, unmistakably wrong sometimes and then, some of those times, I try something completely different but just as bad if not worse than the previous. It's like this revolving experiment in rebellion. From what? From who? For why? Oh, who the hell cares. Eventually, you start wanting to make better choices, you begin to bring it back to the basics. I didn't want much when I was a kid, I mean unless you count escaping and never coming back. As you grow the fuck up, you realize where you are might not be so bad. Home is a four letter word that isn't so horrible when you figure out what it means. I still spend plenty of time wondering about wandering, but I've really begun to realize what I have, despite my worst decisions, is pretty damned good.
With these discoveries the person I am is on track with the person I wanted to be, and suddenly I'm making decisions that may not be so bad. The shit is scary, fucking terrifying, but exciting in a whole new way.It's as though somehow you have a clue what the hell you're doing and even if you don't, you're prepared, you can handle whatever comes, because you've been training for the worst but you're finally ready for shit to go right. The strangest thing happens, people start telling you your decisions might possibly be rational, logical even. There are people I've met along the way who I'm certain never thought I'd get too far. Perhaps to them I haven't made it very far at all. The beauty is, they have no idea where I've been and they may never see where I end up, but I'm glad they were part of it. Life is long, no matter how short, and it's built for mistakes and it supports its own adventures and its ours to do what we want with. Some of us want more and others want less. I'd like to think no one wants to be miserable and no one looks for disaster with any real hope of it happening, but what I actually think, is that plenty of people call that living and possibly for a while, even I did. There's more to life than work but you must work hard to live, to really live. Isn't that some shit right there.
There are people who actually spend their lives working to have more than they could ever need or use and they work so hard for this that they lose. They lose the time to do the little things in life, like pick up the phone for an old friend or play tag with a kid, or just simply say hello to a stranger and possibly make a new friend. We all miss out on these opportunities from time to time for various reasons but I find lately those little good decisions coupled with the lessons of those moderately larger bad ones, are starting to make one pretty good life for me. No two people ever live the same exact way, or experience even the same moments the same way. The world is filled with adventures in living and everyone is doing it differently even if it looks the same.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
I met me at a strange time in my growth...
I used to know this Bartender, we called her Donna Do Ya Wanna, It was a lifetime ago. She used to Tape up my cigarettes when I wasn't looking.I'd go to smoke my next one and she'd be standin behind the bar with this big ass smile on her face and then tell me I shouldn't smoke so fuckin much. One Friday my Aunt and I were headin to the bar after work and she had to stop on the way so she told me to go ahead, she'd meet me there. Underage and stupid I said sure and headed down to see Donna Do Ya Wanna. I walk in alone, sit down and tell her I want a Budlight. She proceeds to ask me for my license and pop quiz me on my date of birth. I proceed to pass the quiz and advise her I forgot my license. The only reason I think I managed to convince her was because I really don't think I had my license with me that night, but after some jokes about my age and hers she finally gave me a beer. I tell her my Aunt is on her way, put my money on the bar in front of me and light up my cigarette. My Aunt showed up like 2 hours later, by which time Donna Do Ya Wanna has fed me atleast 6 beers and I was "possibly" drunk, Ok, "probably" drunk.My Aunt comes in has a few cocktails and we go home. A few weeks later, on my 21st birthday, my Aunt takes me to this bar Alphas down the street from my house. I had a Stoli and orange to match her Stoli and rasberry, we did a shot and went off to see Donna Do Ya Wanna where I proudly tossed her my license and asked for a beer. She called me little liar and handed me my beer. I drank with my Aunts and my Brother that night then went home, to a packed house, for a party my other family had thrown me at the house. At the time I lived with 5 guys not including the rotating guy on the couch, my other brothers.I don't remember everything about that not since i was possibly, probly, ok lets be honest I was, drunk as fuck. What I do remember is most, if not all of the people I wanted there were. I also recall a topless congo line and passing out as the sun came up among a few other things that weren't gone when the booze worked its way out of my system.
My Aunt is dead now along with one or two other people that were at that party but that was a kickass party, to end an insane week of birthday partying. Now almost 9 years earlier, I haven't spent a week celebrating my birthday since then but birthdays are still special. Even more so now than before, life is special, too special in some cases, just not quite special enough in others. I have this family of amazing brothers and a few real sisters who add to my already interesting, original family of misfits and weirdos. Some of them have even been reproducing and the thing about getting older is it's not the same as growth. You make it to another year, but you don't get handed all the tools to grow, you have to look for them, you have to earn them.
I still have a lot to earn but there's a lot I've learned in a short couple of years that seemed, frankly, way too long. Every mistaken turn and each fucked up, manic, decision has led me to the person I am today. My past is fuel for the next scary decision, emotion, change and I know many of the things I've done may not make for the best story, but I've got a shit ton of stories and a little to grow on, and that's how I know I'm living. Donna Do Ya Wanna calls me a liar to this day and she's likely the only person in my life I'd ever really let call me one. Because she cracks me up, because its a good story, because in that case its true. When it comes down to it I kinda hate lying, I have this belief that the only acceptable lie to tell is one that saves you from harm. I didn't always feel this way, it was something I earned along the way, like picking up fire power in Super Mario Brothers - the original -, I didn't know it was valuable til I got it. When I did, it was crystal clear to me that I needed to hold on to it if I intended to survive. I'm not exactly a good person but I do my best not to lie about dumb shit. In the same way, I do my best to keep holding on to the lessons of past mistakes in a positive way. Life is too precious, I know, it sounds cliche, but its the truth. We live and then we don't but someone else remembers something else we did and that holds us over, carries us on in some greater way. I may be bat shit crazy, and I may have lived as a kaleidoscope of people I barely remember, but somewhere, someone remembers a version of me from 2002, 2006, 1997, 1985, 2009, and I hope that only the best parts of those versions came up with me to the next adventure, year, level, of life. Sometimes that means the sad parts too. I've never been who I am right this moment and still I've been this person my whole life. That changes everything, and it's good, pretty damned good. Sure there's people missing but it's all part of exactly where I am and who I want to be. Sometimes, always, you're exactly who you're meant to be and occasionally that means you're going to be someone else and that person will also be you.
My Aunt is dead now along with one or two other people that were at that party but that was a kickass party, to end an insane week of birthday partying. Now almost 9 years earlier, I haven't spent a week celebrating my birthday since then but birthdays are still special. Even more so now than before, life is special, too special in some cases, just not quite special enough in others. I have this family of amazing brothers and a few real sisters who add to my already interesting, original family of misfits and weirdos. Some of them have even been reproducing and the thing about getting older is it's not the same as growth. You make it to another year, but you don't get handed all the tools to grow, you have to look for them, you have to earn them.
I still have a lot to earn but there's a lot I've learned in a short couple of years that seemed, frankly, way too long. Every mistaken turn and each fucked up, manic, decision has led me to the person I am today. My past is fuel for the next scary decision, emotion, change and I know many of the things I've done may not make for the best story, but I've got a shit ton of stories and a little to grow on, and that's how I know I'm living. Donna Do Ya Wanna calls me a liar to this day and she's likely the only person in my life I'd ever really let call me one. Because she cracks me up, because its a good story, because in that case its true. When it comes down to it I kinda hate lying, I have this belief that the only acceptable lie to tell is one that saves you from harm. I didn't always feel this way, it was something I earned along the way, like picking up fire power in Super Mario Brothers - the original -, I didn't know it was valuable til I got it. When I did, it was crystal clear to me that I needed to hold on to it if I intended to survive. I'm not exactly a good person but I do my best not to lie about dumb shit. In the same way, I do my best to keep holding on to the lessons of past mistakes in a positive way. Life is too precious, I know, it sounds cliche, but its the truth. We live and then we don't but someone else remembers something else we did and that holds us over, carries us on in some greater way. I may be bat shit crazy, and I may have lived as a kaleidoscope of people I barely remember, but somewhere, someone remembers a version of me from 2002, 2006, 1997, 1985, 2009, and I hope that only the best parts of those versions came up with me to the next adventure, year, level, of life. Sometimes that means the sad parts too. I've never been who I am right this moment and still I've been this person my whole life. That changes everything, and it's good, pretty damned good. Sure there's people missing but it's all part of exactly where I am and who I want to be. Sometimes, always, you're exactly who you're meant to be and occasionally that means you're going to be someone else and that person will also be you.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Pancakes and life, Installment one.
No one ever wakes up excited to go to work in customer service. Anyone who tells ya different is a complete and utter liar. Personally, I feel that particular species of bullshitters should either be publicly tarred and feathered or given a best actor award by SAG, realistically we all know those are the douche bags that either end up being the boss or we imagine these jackasses accidentally murder themselves during really kinky sex with themselves on a Tuesday in May and no one finds the body till the cats start bringing fingers out and the smell of rotting flesh gets to be too much for Mildred down the block sometime in August.~ What? Like you never imagined what Creepy Cassandra in cubicle 426 was like at home? The point is these people are sad inside.
The reason I bring this up? Well, I've spent a lot of time recently trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing. This applies to pretty much every aspect of my life. Out of lets say, 50 of the major sub-categories to the heading "Life~ and what I'm doing with it." I've managed to narrow down only a handful of basic points. None of which including : Love my customer service job because it's magically delicious! Honestly, I feel that some people, not all, but some, really believe customer service is the most awesome work ever. These people are fucking dumb, not only for setting their standards so low but for their irritating attempts to convince the rest of us that we should feel goddamned great about the work we do. Every office has some of these people, these people are obnoxious and we all know at least one.
I'm not saying I'm not glad I have a job but at no point in my life will I ever be caught saying :
"Gee, I really love my customer service job. I get paid so well to be shat upon every day by dumbasses. I'm going to spend 30 years doing this, I just love it so much."
Never gonna happen, not now, not ever. I have come full circle to the realization that I do love that I have a job. I love that I am nearing the final stages of demolition to the house of cards that is debt. I love that this job will get me through to my bachelors degree in a matter of 3 years if I can just stick to the plan and not fuck up.
Not fuck up. Not fuck up is where things begin to get shaky, not only in this aspect but in many aspects of my life, a life, any life. For now, we'll stick to the job category. What does it mean to not fuck up? In simplest terms it means don't piss of the customers, don't piss off the co-workers, and certainly don't piss off the bosses. This means all the time, not a fraction of the time but all the time. This shit is hard work, like a job within the job, but ok, I'll try. Yoda said something about trying once, that dude clearly never worked customer service because there are times where doing the whole, don't piss off the customer thing is hard and there are even other times when that shit is absolutely impossible, the customer was born pissed off. I digress, sub-category number one : Job : What am I doing? Loving that I have one. Not pissing anyone off, taking care of business.
Awesome, one aspect down, plenty more to go, what about school? All the cool kids are doing it right? How do I do that without going back into debt, without losing my job and without deviating from this degree in 3 years plan? Set yourself up, take care of business, stay in Cuntecticunt, get a cheap bachelors and splurge on that Doctorate later, when I can afford it. Well this all seems reasonable, logical even, where's the catch? Stay. Just the word makes my little black gypsy heart stiffen.Stay, in one place, accept it in the interest of moving forward. Seems simple enough until you factor in my gypsy, my undying desire to keep moving in the most literal of senses, must be kept in check for this to work. Apparently a student who moves around a lot, is not the best student. I want to be the best student, I have this thing about failure so its time to keep it in perspective. Keeping it simple comes back to not fucking up, not fucking up in this case means, Stay in one place for a while, not one state, one place.
Seems simple, but nothing in life is simple. I had little girl dreams as a child, most girls dream of pony's and shit, I dreamed of getting the fuck out of here. I love my family each and every munchkin that calls me auntie, and the people that sit at my table, but we all have lives and eventually I will get my big adventure filled life. For the next three years its this apartment, work, school, munchkins.To me this is the most long term planning I've ever done aside from dreaming I would get the fuck out of here and I have to be honest, this shit is scary. The bright side is it gives me plenty of materiel for this blog and pages of worthless drivel for my epic novel about nothing...which is sweet because that shit will be EPIC.
The reason I bring this up? Well, I've spent a lot of time recently trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing. This applies to pretty much every aspect of my life. Out of lets say, 50 of the major sub-categories to the heading "Life~ and what I'm doing with it." I've managed to narrow down only a handful of basic points. None of which including : Love my customer service job because it's magically delicious! Honestly, I feel that some people, not all, but some, really believe customer service is the most awesome work ever. These people are fucking dumb, not only for setting their standards so low but for their irritating attempts to convince the rest of us that we should feel goddamned great about the work we do. Every office has some of these people, these people are obnoxious and we all know at least one.
I'm not saying I'm not glad I have a job but at no point in my life will I ever be caught saying :
"Gee, I really love my customer service job. I get paid so well to be shat upon every day by dumbasses. I'm going to spend 30 years doing this, I just love it so much."
Never gonna happen, not now, not ever. I have come full circle to the realization that I do love that I have a job. I love that I am nearing the final stages of demolition to the house of cards that is debt. I love that this job will get me through to my bachelors degree in a matter of 3 years if I can just stick to the plan and not fuck up.
Not fuck up. Not fuck up is where things begin to get shaky, not only in this aspect but in many aspects of my life, a life, any life. For now, we'll stick to the job category. What does it mean to not fuck up? In simplest terms it means don't piss of the customers, don't piss off the co-workers, and certainly don't piss off the bosses. This means all the time, not a fraction of the time but all the time. This shit is hard work, like a job within the job, but ok, I'll try. Yoda said something about trying once, that dude clearly never worked customer service because there are times where doing the whole, don't piss off the customer thing is hard and there are even other times when that shit is absolutely impossible, the customer was born pissed off. I digress, sub-category number one : Job : What am I doing? Loving that I have one. Not pissing anyone off, taking care of business.
Awesome, one aspect down, plenty more to go, what about school? All the cool kids are doing it right? How do I do that without going back into debt, without losing my job and without deviating from this degree in 3 years plan? Set yourself up, take care of business, stay in Cuntecticunt, get a cheap bachelors and splurge on that Doctorate later, when I can afford it. Well this all seems reasonable, logical even, where's the catch? Stay. Just the word makes my little black gypsy heart stiffen.Stay, in one place, accept it in the interest of moving forward. Seems simple enough until you factor in my gypsy, my undying desire to keep moving in the most literal of senses, must be kept in check for this to work. Apparently a student who moves around a lot, is not the best student. I want to be the best student, I have this thing about failure so its time to keep it in perspective. Keeping it simple comes back to not fucking up, not fucking up in this case means, Stay in one place for a while, not one state, one place.
Seems simple, but nothing in life is simple. I had little girl dreams as a child, most girls dream of pony's and shit, I dreamed of getting the fuck out of here. I love my family each and every munchkin that calls me auntie, and the people that sit at my table, but we all have lives and eventually I will get my big adventure filled life. For the next three years its this apartment, work, school, munchkins.To me this is the most long term planning I've ever done aside from dreaming I would get the fuck out of here and I have to be honest, this shit is scary. The bright side is it gives me plenty of materiel for this blog and pages of worthless drivel for my epic novel about nothing...which is sweet because that shit will be EPIC.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
The Gay Mans Guide to a Hurricane
The Gay Mans Guide to a Hurricane
A Guest Blog By: Kid Kelvin Carney
I have only known two ladies by the name of Sandy, the first is a scruffy companion to the a little curly red-haired girl named Annie. The second was this Australian broad that fell in love with some bloke Danny.
Now rumor is that the next one I get to meet is going to be a real bitch, on her super period. I am hoping she is wearing a super maxi pad cause this is going to be her heavy flow days. How do you deal with a problem like Sandy?
Lighting
Don’t get your average handy man flashlight, the one I picked up has a red light going on, a little mood lighting if you will. The second source is normally as boring as candle, but gay men just don’t do that. Pick one up with a little scent and flavor, these are multi-functional, see if the power goes out and you can’t wash your butt, a nice Yankee Candle will hide your stench.
Cleanliness
Keeping you butt clean should be a main concern. You can fill up your tub with water and use that to clean up your pits, but there are also these handy dandy flushable wipes to help clean your man parts spic and span.
Food
They say to get non-perishable items during the storm of the century, but lets be real there are too many carbs in those. Get yourself some fresh fruit and veggies, but don’t forget about all those frozen veggies in the freezer. Once the power goes out take those out, once defrosted, you get to take a trip down the vegan highway. Also buy some eggs and boil them for a great source of protein. Now every girl needs atleast a few carbs in her life, I suggest getting some bagels for a morning treat, dry cereal, and some chips. You will need these for the party you are about to have.
Drinks
Get some bottled water, sparkling if you like. Although the water is important the real issue should be you alcohol shortage. If you like beer, stay away from it during these hard times! If you lose power, it will get warm and all skunky. Get some wine, vodka, bourbon, whiskey. If you are like me and forgot to get a mixer for your vodka, there is a quick fix. Boil some water, tie 4 tea bags to a skewer and steep. Once cooled this will serve as a perfect mixer for the dark nights ahead.
Lastly, we cannot forget the Entertainment!
If you are like me, you have tons of technology. Make sure you get your laptop charged up. This can be used to watch movies, all kinds if you catch my drift. Your kindle or e-reader, we need to use every chance we have to keep ahead of the hetero-sexual curve. Camera, there are always opportunities for a great shot. I-Pad or another tablet to watch movies, listen to music, or use as extra lighting.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
What is real life?
What I wanted to say after reading a strangers profile: I'm all for feminism, I'm cool with that, really. I'm just not so into, the whole, "non-conformist" ~ conformist ~ Can't take a joke, half-assed, lady plastic, butch wannabe, who I'd bet money, wouldn't hold a door open for her mother, Because "ya know women's rights and all." Your 27, life's been so hard on you, you've seen the world, you've been judged by your outside appearance and you're actually offended that you even have a gender. Really, tell me more about how you really have it hard and how you're getting you're Doctorate and you don't know what you want to do with your life but you know what everyone else should do with theirs. News flash, no one does and you are a pretentious attention whore...(sincerely, the blogger with too many ideas on what to do with my life.)
What I said instead: Nothing
What if people actually said things like that to one another? "Hey I know I've never once met you, but, you present like an asshole on the interwebs, is that really who you are? Wait no, stop typing, with all your education you should know, that was a rhetorical question. Of course you're really an asshole. I'm talking to you and I have great radar for you're kind. You've been identified I'm reporting you to the board, It's ok they work wonders , they'll have you behaving like less of a douche in no time. If you get really lucky people will even start taking you seriously.
Or, on the flip side, what if people saw something amazing and instead of saying nothing they said "Hey, I know we don't know each other but, I have zebra sheets. I like the way you say my name and right now that's all either of us needs to know. Lets go be random together.
Clearly there's no Board of Douchebag Rehabilitation or BDR (pronounced "Better" for giggles and shits), but wouldn't that be a different world. Checking your privilege is a privilege of the over-privileged by its very nature.What person trying to claw their way to respect or equality or even just appreciation has the time to sit around being offended by life and culture and society?
As I prepare for a winter of doing everything I can to ensure I'm making shit happen and moving forward. I cannot help but wonder how it is that more of the world is not wiped out by spontaneous combustion just for thinking about half the things I think about, and then I realize I must have way too much time on my hands, if this is what I'm thinking about when I could be bettering myself. There is a grand difference between offended and irate. History gives us a clear impression of how the power of a true purity of the irate, can demolish the delicate senselessness of the offended every time. Life is precious and I have zebra sheets, art on my walls, and a bucket list that must be completed to reach the next level. Lets go be random together. Until I get irate, I'm, not offended easily, unless you call me white, or straight or well adjusted, or nice or...
Thursday, September 27, 2012
What do you believe in said the joker to the thief...
I believe in Unicorns, I know, I do, you're thinkin what is this crazy bitch talkin about this time. Just try and stay with me I'll explain. Unicorns are the most magical creatures of all time, mythical, mysterious and possibly, maybe, not even real. That doesn't stop me from believing, people believe in all sorts of crazy, so I see no reason why I can't believe in Unicorns. At times I try to give up this ridiculous belief and convince myself adults live in reality and well, clearly Unicorns aren't real. Something happens, a kid does something incredibly beautiful to my refrigerator, a really nice person holds a door open after a terrible day, I walk into a restaurant and the sign is about Unicorns (or cake, or both) and I'm snapped back into hoping and believing.
Its not just about the magical, mystical, horned creatures we all think of when someone says the word Unicorn. I mean hell yes, I'm all about those too, but there's an even more ridiculous part. Little girls are started on a steady diet of princess fairy tales, in one way or another from birth. I guess I needed something more magical than a prince and more attractive than a frog and the unicorn was born. They're the happy place that gets me through the worst of times. The one that told me to go home, when I'm 15, I ran away and I'm contemplating sleeping in a stairwell, like a dumbass. The one that picked up the phone and listened and told me I'd be fine, that first real night of driving a big truck, with a trainer who at the time scared the crap out of me, crying like a little bitch. The one I'd let sleep on a couch I don't even have and the one I'm glad got away. The people who've actually seen me, all of me, even if only for a second and gave me enough hope to hold on through whatever crappy thing had happened or was on the way. People don't realize the impact they have on you and it's so rare in our time, that we tell each other. There are not enough Unicorns in anyone's life these days, not enough magic and not enough hope. I expect so much of myself and yes, I have expectations of the people around me to be decent people, and yes, my moral fiber and honor code may be somewhat demented, but more important than any expectation, I hope. I hope and I believe that the very best people I meet in life become the people they were meant to be. There are few things that would stop us in our tracks, outside of an insane emergency or an alien landing, but a Unicorn, a horned horse, a person doesn't keep moving for that. They'd miss all the magic.
Someone once told me that eye contact with a stranger meant there was some kind of a connection, that you should speak to that person. Basically that there was a reason for it. I don't know if I ever believed that but, I do believe shit happens for a reason. Who's reason? Fuck if I know, I don't think its God or some higher power, not sure its destiny, I kinda think that's a stretch, but I think there is some order to the chaos and disarray that is life. Not that it will always make sense, or be pleasant, or enjoyable, I just believe all the parts of our lives good and bad serve a purpose. I've got a million stories of really good times, trucker stories, house stories, NBJ stories, happy stories, sad stories but my favorite stories, the stories I rarely if ever tell, are the stories of Unicorns at their most beautiful moments. Everyone needs a light in the sky sometimes, a little Saint Elmos Fire to help them get by, a beautiful distraction from a harsh reality, hope. There are many people that sit at my table and they are all magically inclined, I can even levitate phones myself, but I sure as hell don't even hold a candle to the few Unicorns I've been lucky enough to invite for dinner. Hope is believing in magic, believing that what you see is really there, or really happening because some really talented mind trickster magician made it real, even if you think you know how he did it. Its magic, and you can't do it. I have hope, because I am not magic. I'm not a Unicorn, I'm a mess, a mess who can finally keep a plant alive(small personal victory), but still a mess, so I keep hoping and believing in creatures and people I see as inspiring and amazing because those are the fairy tales and people that keep me from giving up every time. Hope is why I believe in Unicorns even if it is the dumbest thing any one, ever, heard.
Its not just about the magical, mystical, horned creatures we all think of when someone says the word Unicorn. I mean hell yes, I'm all about those too, but there's an even more ridiculous part. Little girls are started on a steady diet of princess fairy tales, in one way or another from birth. I guess I needed something more magical than a prince and more attractive than a frog and the unicorn was born. They're the happy place that gets me through the worst of times. The one that told me to go home, when I'm 15, I ran away and I'm contemplating sleeping in a stairwell, like a dumbass. The one that picked up the phone and listened and told me I'd be fine, that first real night of driving a big truck, with a trainer who at the time scared the crap out of me, crying like a little bitch. The one I'd let sleep on a couch I don't even have and the one I'm glad got away. The people who've actually seen me, all of me, even if only for a second and gave me enough hope to hold on through whatever crappy thing had happened or was on the way. People don't realize the impact they have on you and it's so rare in our time, that we tell each other. There are not enough Unicorns in anyone's life these days, not enough magic and not enough hope. I expect so much of myself and yes, I have expectations of the people around me to be decent people, and yes, my moral fiber and honor code may be somewhat demented, but more important than any expectation, I hope. I hope and I believe that the very best people I meet in life become the people they were meant to be. There are few things that would stop us in our tracks, outside of an insane emergency or an alien landing, but a Unicorn, a horned horse, a person doesn't keep moving for that. They'd miss all the magic.
Someone once told me that eye contact with a stranger meant there was some kind of a connection, that you should speak to that person. Basically that there was a reason for it. I don't know if I ever believed that but, I do believe shit happens for a reason. Who's reason? Fuck if I know, I don't think its God or some higher power, not sure its destiny, I kinda think that's a stretch, but I think there is some order to the chaos and disarray that is life. Not that it will always make sense, or be pleasant, or enjoyable, I just believe all the parts of our lives good and bad serve a purpose. I've got a million stories of really good times, trucker stories, house stories, NBJ stories, happy stories, sad stories but my favorite stories, the stories I rarely if ever tell, are the stories of Unicorns at their most beautiful moments. Everyone needs a light in the sky sometimes, a little Saint Elmos Fire to help them get by, a beautiful distraction from a harsh reality, hope. There are many people that sit at my table and they are all magically inclined, I can even levitate phones myself, but I sure as hell don't even hold a candle to the few Unicorns I've been lucky enough to invite for dinner. Hope is believing in magic, believing that what you see is really there, or really happening because some really talented mind trickster magician made it real, even if you think you know how he did it. Its magic, and you can't do it. I have hope, because I am not magic. I'm not a Unicorn, I'm a mess, a mess who can finally keep a plant alive(small personal victory), but still a mess, so I keep hoping and believing in creatures and people I see as inspiring and amazing because those are the fairy tales and people that keep me from giving up every time. Hope is why I believe in Unicorns even if it is the dumbest thing any one, ever, heard.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
A House and a Harley on the moon...
When we were kids my Grandmother used to send us looking for rocks for this rock garden she was going to create in the back yard. I can't recall ever seeing my Grandmother do more than receive and water plants, nor did she ever create a rock garden. As a kid my fathers mother could do no wrong as an adult I think for her, watching us collect her rocks might have been something like a small scale version of the Egyptians and the slaves. She didn't treat us badly, she simply manipulated us into thinking we were building something beautiful. The rocks were probably still in the corner of the yard in milk crates when she sold that house.The lessons I learned from the Queen of Cards, heavy as those rocks but in their own way far more beautiful than any garden. She was poison dressed in chocolate, the dark kind, bitter and sweet, and dark as night. She was a lovely kind of cruel and like anyone I have my doubts that any 2 people really knew her the same. While she was dying I went through every picture book I could find, among the hundreds of old pictures I barely found ten where she was smiling, really smiling, before retirement. Even when she did start smiling, somewhere around 45 or 50 and the majority of those pictures where she is smiling, she was anywhere but here.
I've done so much of my smiling here and a little there and a whole lot of everywhere. I have so much smiling left to go and I wonder so many things about what my pictures will say to whoever goes through them when I die. I hope whoever gets that job gets a kick out of it all and I hope they knew me, all of me. Some where in the future there is someone who knows me inside and out, who I've told all of myself to and who will be there to go through the rough spots with me. My Grandmother was a few different people, to a few different people and to each she gave and was a different part of all of her.
Over these past few weeks of doctors appointments and politics and employment changes and just plain living, I've been forgetting and re-living and realizing so many new things about who I am and what I've come from. I'm not sure of anything but I am sure Its time to grow up. Not become some one else or anything, just a more adult version of myself, this will be an interesting ride, a strange new internal adventure. No one really knows how and when this adulthood and appointments and politics and money making really became the cornerstones of their lives. I submit that for some of us those stones were always there, for others of us they were a long time coming or a short time coming but we got there and for a few they will never be there.
A year from now I have goals and like all the ones that came before, I have no idea where they'll lead me. For the first time in a long time, I have goals, the broken winged dreams are flyin around again and makin a ruckus. For the second time in a lifetime I am ready to start checking things off of my list. Debts paid, lets do this, stay in the same home for a while, ok sure lets do that too, Money in savings, Car paid off, I'd love too. Work out every day, eat healthy be healthy, LIVE, hell yea, great idea. None of these goals are impossible, none of them outlandish or radical. They're reasonable, possibly even rational, maybe not so simple but all attainable.I am many different people, too many different people, but eventually I always get where I'm going. I smile because I love the people in my life, I smile because I'm taking a mental picture of the beautiful moments that are my life, and I smile because it confuses the hell out of strangers and friends alike. I am not always smiling and to some, I'm never smiling but to those who know me, really know me, I am exactly who I always was.
Who the fuck are you?
I've done so much of my smiling here and a little there and a whole lot of everywhere. I have so much smiling left to go and I wonder so many things about what my pictures will say to whoever goes through them when I die. I hope whoever gets that job gets a kick out of it all and I hope they knew me, all of me. Some where in the future there is someone who knows me inside and out, who I've told all of myself to and who will be there to go through the rough spots with me. My Grandmother was a few different people, to a few different people and to each she gave and was a different part of all of her.
Over these past few weeks of doctors appointments and politics and employment changes and just plain living, I've been forgetting and re-living and realizing so many new things about who I am and what I've come from. I'm not sure of anything but I am sure Its time to grow up. Not become some one else or anything, just a more adult version of myself, this will be an interesting ride, a strange new internal adventure. No one really knows how and when this adulthood and appointments and politics and money making really became the cornerstones of their lives. I submit that for some of us those stones were always there, for others of us they were a long time coming or a short time coming but we got there and for a few they will never be there.
A year from now I have goals and like all the ones that came before, I have no idea where they'll lead me. For the first time in a long time, I have goals, the broken winged dreams are flyin around again and makin a ruckus. For the second time in a lifetime I am ready to start checking things off of my list. Debts paid, lets do this, stay in the same home for a while, ok sure lets do that too, Money in savings, Car paid off, I'd love too. Work out every day, eat healthy be healthy, LIVE, hell yea, great idea. None of these goals are impossible, none of them outlandish or radical. They're reasonable, possibly even rational, maybe not so simple but all attainable.I am many different people, too many different people, but eventually I always get where I'm going. I smile because I love the people in my life, I smile because I'm taking a mental picture of the beautiful moments that are my life, and I smile because it confuses the hell out of strangers and friends alike. I am not always smiling and to some, I'm never smiling but to those who know me, really know me, I am exactly who I always was.
Who the fuck are you?
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