Movers and shakers.

When I was twelve, I knew what I wanted. So, I thought. Then I got older, not grew, but got older. Then I thought, I'm a fuckin teenager, I know what I want. Jeebus, I knew so well what I wanted, and for a few years I chased that teenager making wants into needs. I chased and I ran and I pushed and flailed around like a bull in a china shop after shit that was just never going to happen. I'd like to say I always knew I was going to turn out this awesome, the truth though is I live in fear of failure. When I was ten I wanted desperately to climb into the radio and learn everything about it, wanted to be the voice inside the radio, with the power to play that funky music and be heard by so many people everyday. When I was twenty I went to broadcasting school and I learned about how to be who I thought I wanted to be - when I was ten. I don't remember anymore how old I was when I decided I'd be a truck driver. I remember how and where that decision was made but I can't recall when. A few months before my twenty-second birthday I went and did that shit. It was one of the craziest adventures I've ever, really, lived. It wasn't who I really wanted to be either, but I learned. I learned so much, not the least of which was being tall is amazing, for awhile, until it's not anymore. Crashing from great heights is one, painful, overwhelming ride to earth. That's the best I can do to explain that experience for me. Failure.

At twelve we still have no idea what the worst case scenario for us actually is. We're pure, naive, blissfully unaware and loving it despite all the shit that could have happened in twelve years of life. Every twelve year old has seen some shit that we as adults looking in would think was insane, shit a twelve year old should never see. The thing is at twelve we have no idea these things truly have any meaning or effect. Think about the shit you dreamed of when you were that age. Consider for a second  the ridiculous ideas you had about the world way back then. There's not a person alive over twenty that carried every last piece of that innocence along with them into adulthood. We all get lost, damaged, jaded the more we learn about how it works to grow. Painful yet beautiful in all the places it should be. When you're a kid you just want things. You don't know things though. As you grow, you learn and you want more important things. Increasingly more important things.

Two days before my Aunt died I wrote myself a note about who I wanted to become over the next few years of my life. New years was coming and I wasn't so much making a resolution as a declaration to myself. I wanted to be more like the person I wanted to become at twelve. I wanted to go back to the basics, my bare bones dreams and wants. This time though I'd be going in with my eyes open and feet on the ground. Sure, why not. To take care of myself. Simple, I wanted my life back. Back from the pain of each lesson learned and the sadness of failure. I wanted freedom. I made a decision based on the brief thoughts, could I do this, would I do this. I could love my life, I would love my life. I've taken great steps towards becoming the most basic version of myself . I've grown and I'm still searching for light and food and water to continue growing with. The best decisions I ever make regarding anything of substance in my life are the difference between I could and I would. I could for a lifetime or I would for  lifetime. I would if given the chance. I could find my way to any broken winged dream my remaining little wing could carry me to. A broken wing alone though will only get you so far, alone. Two days after I declared myself ready for change, my Aunt died and about three months after that my Grandmother. Death is ever the abrupt game changer. I learned so much about them, about myself, my family and friends within the months and years since those events. Mostly though I've realized life is all about how you live it. I hope I'm living for the right things and I know I'm living for the things I want for myself. I just also hope I know, by now, who I really am right now. I don't think either of them really did know themselves when they passed into whatever's next, at least not well enough to expect more or be better. I want to be whoever it is that I really am when I grow up, as I grow up and become tall once again. This time if I reach those great heights I want some cushions, maybe a trampoline. I want to be ready to bounce instead of break, and that is who we all were once and who we could all become. If we wanted to, if we would. I would do a lot for the people I love and that includes myself. Everything is possible if we just live like it is, like it was.