736why

I never wanted the white picket fence with the 2.5, for me a chainlink, a couple of Harleys and a 67 Charger in the yard and maybe just one would be enough. I know a little about Harleys, and there is just something special about the 67 Charger that makes it dreamworthy for me, and a daughter, I was always sure I'd have a daughter. The dreams I had were just nice thoughts to me, I tried not to let them own me. It could still happen but I think with age these dreams have become slightly more commercial, more commonplace and less of a future I can see myself having. I want it now more than I thought I did, but I wonder if maybe those times I bobbed instead of weaved may have shifted my possibilities. People keep telling me to just go with the flow and maybe i'm working to hard to relax and go with it to actually get the hang of the whole idea. Before I go with the flow, I have to assess and reassess , weigh the options, consider changes in altitude and density, and even then i'm still slow to move with the flow. Clearly, I am not a go with the flow kind of girl. I am nonetheless a girl and somewhere in me is the urge to pass on the good parts of me to another life.

I think we all, male or female have some desire to create something beautiful to carry on our best pieces. I also think that at somepoint in our lives each of us gets to a place where this dream no longer seems completely possible and or logical. It's a bitter that hides a deep secret part of us, and for some eventually scars and stops hurting. This point can happen at any age, under any number of circumstances. I submit, that at some point, we all consider the possibility of creating a life and showing it love. Some of us visit that particular bitter but don't live there just yet and so it scabs but never heals and this scar is only owned by the healed. I like the scars I've got both inside and out because they remind me of what I've learned and where the roadmaps have already taken me. I want to go offroading in life, do it all wrong and have fun while I sink. Changes are good and it can never be too late to change who you are into someone you love instead of just like. Some of us love so hard when we love, that maybe, just maybe we stop ourselves from doing it. Feelings and love they come easy for some, for others they're locked behind carefully guarded gates for fear someone may get hurt if ever they are released. The cold hard truth, i'm not getting any younger and neither is anyone else. This 27 is going to be an interesting year.

Talk is cheaper than gasoline.

I am a sinner, I have no desire to be redeemed by some god or higher power. I have no hope that my morals will some day adjust to suit the requirements of the society in wich I live, I simply wish to live. I am willing to change if provided valid reasons to do so or if the spirit moves me. I hold grudges and am overly disgusted by people who hurt those that I love, this will not likely change. My relationships with those that I love will change. The people we grow with are the same people we will some day see at the grocery store and say hello to and continue walking towards the tampons or eggs we came in for. It becomes clearer as we get older the bonds that kept us together in our youth are now, the very thing that keep us from being that guy or girl at the grocery store. In the changing times and the adult lives we are all moving further into, there will be casualties, perspective will change and priorities will shift. We are the people we have become and for some of us that is something to be proud of for others there is still more to strive for. I look at the people I am fortunate enough to have in my life and I am grateful.

The people I choose to surround myself with are not competition, they are family. When one of us succeeds it is my belief a part of each of us is successful as well, a small part, but a part nonetheless. We all go through hard times and those are the times we pull together in whatever ways we can. Your friends are not people you hope to be better than your friends are people you hope to be better with. I will always want to be better tomorrow than I am today that is my goal, I look at my friends as inspirations. I wouldn't want to become an accountant or a nurse, a stay at home mom or manage people. I wouldn't want to have a mortgage or children right now but I am damn proud of each person in my life that is already doing or is on their way to these things. These people give me a reason to go out and do what makes me happy. These people I look up to and think to myself someday pieces of my life may resemble what you've got going on because these accomplishments help me every day to see more clearly what I want for myself. These friends all contribute to who I am today as well as who I will become. There is a rough road ahead of me to get things on a track thats headed to the brighter days I long for. But along that road there are plenty of people whose experiences I can learn from. I am willing to let certain things go lately with a little less fight because there is so much I need to accomplish and complete that I don't care as much as I used to about the little shit.

As we get older and search for partners in life our partners will not always be group approved, I will never love my close friends girlfriend, I believe she is wasting valuable air, but they have a child whom I do love and I love my friend this means I try as hard as I can to respect the situation and respect the girl. Cheating, lying, and or pretending its all ok once these things have happened or been discovered. These are things I would never accept in a relationship. Everyone has different expectations in relationship, I would expect brutal honesty. Personally I believe cheaters have two choices, hide it and hide it well or be honest, by all means tell the person you love and want to be with that you have some things to deal with and are thinking about or are activily fucking some one else, but know that when you decide to be honest about your cheating your only doing it to make yourself feel better. I'm not sure I'd know what to do if someone I love and am in a committed relationship with, committed a highlevel "relationship foul". What I do know is respect is earned not by apologies and bullshit but by genuine effort to become a better person. No excuse will ever be valid. Redemption and respect they are earned by actions. The world is full of people unwilling to own their actions, don't be that guy, that guy sucks.

How can I have any pudding...

I woke up this afternoon wishing I had more to wake up for than the bullshit I make up to get me through each day. I did chores I made up to make myself feel better, I did laundry, mopped the bathroom floor and made the bed. None of what I accomplished today made me feel any better about where I am in life. I went to the grocery store today and lost my keys. House keys, car keys both MIA for about an hour. I checked the store 3 times went through my groceries twice and after my father made the drive from Stratford to the Naugatuck Stop and Shop, after I'd thrown a tantrum like a four year old, my keys were found and my day went on. By this point though, I'd already crawled into that place I go on really bad days. I don't know that everyone goes to the same place but for me its that place you go when nothing is going to make you feel better. Once I climb into that place nothing can pull me out, Its a place I need to visit for a while before I can move on.


I lost my cool, this happens but for me this was more, it was me falling apart in front of strangers combined with a lack of control over my situation. Today was all about the last two months of failure coming together in one simple grocery run. I've never been the "normal kid" my crazy flag has always flown in its very own direction, today it flew extra high and extra bright and it said too much to all the wrong people. I've learned to hide certain things from the world around me, I've learned that panic is unacceptable and disappointment is inevitable. Not one person at that grocery store knew my name or gave a fuck about my keys, all they saw was crazy because that is all I showed them. Having nothing to do all day but examine yourself makes it alot harder to remain calm and rational. Rational or not, the way I looked at today was simple, no wonder I can't find a job if I cant handle a simple grocery run without losing my shit. Then I wonder, how many other people are out there questioning their self worth, how many other people are feeling what I feel and what are they doing to make it better? It's not enough to know you need to be more, sometimes the only acceptable thing is to actually be more.

From time to time we all fail and it is in fact what we do with our failures that makes us better. Not better than the people around us but better than the people we were before the experiences that make us who we are each day. Today, I failed at keeping my cool, the last few months in comparison to my past, I've somehow managed to contain myself. My life is nowhere near where i'd imagined it, today I lost my keys, a month ago I lost my job and a month from now who knows what i'll lose. Nothing is going to stop the next rough patch from coming but I am in control of how I react to it. Tears and emotions they get you nowhere, that is just the way it is, no fluff, no cushion, cool calm collected and rational, this is how a person gets where they want to go. This is how walls get built, safety happens and the past is forgotten. Eventually, I will learn to completely control myself, for now, I take comfort in my progress and strive to be better. Tomorrow will be better.

Frito Bandito isn't blogworthy either!

I have this thing about birthdays, I think birthdays are the greatest thing ever. For me birthdays are a chance to remember and celebrate that you are alive and that there are people in your life that are happy about this. Birthdays should never be spent alone and are far more important than christmas or easter. Birthdays are just before Thanksgiving but only a close second to Halloween the number one holiday of pretty much all time. This years, this 27 is shaping up to be a pretty good start. There is alot to do this year and i'd like to get it all done, not just some of it, all of it. I want to look at 27 and smile from 28 with the knowledge I didn't do anything half-assed. 26 on the other hand was a no apologies no regrets kind of year and I choose to let the whole thing be considered a lesson learned and a piece of my history.

I had this theory come up while I was washing my hair today, I thought, what if everything that happened this year was just a tumor. What if every decision I've ever made is effected by some giant tooth growing in my head under my frontal lobe. When I was a kid I thought there were different versions of my life happening in alternate universes. In one life things were really crappy but in another things were going swimmingly. If I got chased up a set of stairs in this life in another life it was me, chasing someone else down the stairs. To me this theory still at times can bring me out of myself just long enough to get through whatever is going on around me. Life is full of things that could be different if we'd just taken the left instead of the right, but in the end who really cares how we got here or how long it took. In the end everyday should have a birthday moment of zen, a moment where you can't help but smile because you made it a whole year since the last March 12th or October 13th or whatever day of the year it happens to be. Every day should have that "I made it" moment where you remember that tomorrow can be even better than yesterday. Without a moment like that each day we forget a little more how fortunate we are to be alive and by the end of a year maybe we don't remember anymore. This is my greatest theory of the week, could you imagine forgetting your birthday? For me, this is when we start to die, the beginning of the end my friends. Are you really living if its all just a routine? How truly happy can any person be if their own birth is just another day to them. I submit that birthdays are just as important to a persons spirit as water is to a persons body. I am only as alive as I remember to be, this year I'm going all out!

Lezzy Fairys!

I've been paying attention lately, learning some things about the world around me and trying to put together a plan for my 27th year. It has not been easy to figure out where I want to go exactly but I seem to have stumbled upon a few good ideas. I've also stumbled upon a frightening realization that this country and perhaps this world is about to spontaneously combust. I've been exploring my dictionary again in my attempts to have a clear understanding of some of the political, turmoil happening as a result of "Big Oil". I've been listening to people with actual power to make things right, throw words around that i'm not certain they even know the meaning of. I've been watching as this country gets ready for a giant dose of reality and an even larger push out of its big boots and into the muck. There seems to be so much emphasis on unimportant factors and so little on the here and now consequences for not only actions or misactions of "Big Oil" but the continuing fumbles of the political leaders in this great country as they continue to back the people who pay them rather than their country. Parden me, Mr. Barton, AHEM, Due process? SERIOUSLY??? Was that you sitting next to Hayward on that yacht over the weekend? Just trying to get your life back were you? Well, I hate to be a kiljoy but that oil leak is not going away with prayer like Senator Adley of Louisiana is hoping. The hurricane beaten region just barely getting back on their feet after a natural disaster and your holding your greasy palms together to pray, because the regulations you never even bothered to enforce have raped the environment and its people.


Meanwhile the people of this country would rather find out which housewives of New York said what about who. We love our media as long as it is entertaining but how entertaining is it to watch old white south fight new brown Obama over things that don't directly affect us? How much fun is it to know your entire country is being led by greedy dynasties and corruption infested people who have raised ignorant snobs to eventually take over the whole operation. I certainly prefer watching "reality" tv and gossiping about how much Lindsey "spilled" on her skin or in her mouth. With out a doubt my main concerns in life should be Kate's new haircut and how often she dances with the stars with my second largest concern being how many time a week Angelina and Brad get into a fight or adopt another kid from another country while babies and children here in this country go on starving in the streets or are waiting to be adopted.

There are 11 people dead, there are entire ecosystems that will die, creatures, businesses and hope of all kind will slowly fade away. But the drilling does not stop, the solutions do not come as quickly as they should because in a country of some 300 million people most know more about which celebrities are cheating on their wives and husband than we do about our governments long standing agreement to look the other way while the "small people" get ground a little further into the dirt. Who holds lawmakers accountable for their actions? What motivates our leaders to make examples of "Big Oil" if thats who they're invested with? I don't bite the hand that feeds me, but I will stab you with a fork if you try to take my food. It's time the majority stand up and wave its butchers knife at those cheap forks and take back its food. How much is your freedom worth? How much is your vote going for these days? We talk big about patriotism and how great this country is yet we ignore it when people in power not only use it for personal gain but for the gain of private corporations that they also, just so happen to have some kind of stake in.

We are a country full of intelligent people choosing to focus on nonsense that does not affect us instead of addressing the nonsense that does. This is not the first time our government has failed to properly regulate and police big business and this is not the first disaster made by man in order to make money. This is the largest and this will inevitably become the most tragic example of laissez-faire failure in current society. The absolute disregard for consequences by all involved , from crooked OSHA inspectors to crooked politicians to the money hungry executives who weighed the risks and decided there wasn't enough time to do the job right. They wanted oil and they wanted it yesterday. Now they expect poor unemployed America to clean up their mess and apologize, to them for being upset about the whole clumsy misunderstanding?What were we born yesterday? You don't have enough faith in your own country to invest in American owned businesses and support its president, but us "small guys" who blindly beleive in our government officials, we are expected to pay a little extra in taxes the next few years and we'll be back on our feet in a jiffy?


Why should I invest in a country that does not regulate its own lawmakers? I should invest in my country because that is what gives me the power. The problem is unlike these big businesses the business that is this country has many more stockholders and if even just 200 million took an interest in what was happening in boardroom, an entire nation may stand a chance at not only surviving but prospering. The problem is getting them all to pay attention at the same time and then take action to not only stop it this time but keep it from happening again. Dr. Martin Luther King Junior said "When evil men plot, good men must plan. When evil men burn and bomb, good men must build and bind.", Now is a time to build and bind. When rich greedy people get too greedy and too arrogant, poor frustrated people must rise up and help them to become humble.

Where you want to be.

I've been planning this move to Atlanta for a few years now. Each time things get really rough I consider the logic of it. Is there enough money, what would I do and where would I work. I consider it carefully, am I running away or just running. Eventually I talk myself out of the move before I can start packing and planning. Today I realized this time I am planning before I pack, I'm trying to figure out how to save and pay things off and get ready for a move out of the great new england. I'm considering New Orleans for awhile before Atlanta, I'm wondering if my wandering spirit can handle a place where I know no one and there is so much to actually be done.

I wonder if I'm ready for such a drastic adventure. Then I think, fuck it if I get things in order, if I handle the plan in a responsible adult manner, if I just stop thinking and go. Then I think, I'll be gone. It's a strange feeling to want to stay and do it one way, knowing you have to do it another. Knowing that if you stay you'll begin to fade away.Knowing whats out there in the world makes it that much more painful to stay and assimilate. Some people are happy in one place for a lifetime and others need to test the waters and head for firmer ground. I'm almost prepared to start plotting it out and I've begun to recognize the winds slow shift. Its a very slow shift with a whole lot left to learn about it, but i'm enjoying the pace we are shifting with. I like the way it feels to recognize the shift but it's frustrating not to know when exactly the big decisions should be made by. At what point do I move myself into yet another storage facility or sell my possesions on the front lawn, stop talking about what I'm going to do and just do it already.

I'd like to go somewhere where living is celebrated, somewhere better than reality tv will ever tell us and somewhere with plenty to do even when you don't have much to do it with. I want to see things with my own eyes instead of filtered by others. Its hard to imagine staying in the same place for too long and that leads me to believe my next big move had better be not only bold, but really well thought out as well. In my attempts to fully prepare I think this time when I go I'd like to do it right, debt free and ready. Just like there is never a good time to give someone bad news there will never be a "good" time to leave what you know for what you don't. I'm just hoping that I'm seeing things clearly when the time comes. Simplify your life if you want to live free, there are decisions made by us and decisions made by nature. It is my nature to be free and how can I be running away if I am walking. We should all be able to walk into something new every once in awhile.

Lesbian seaguls

I have a crush on the girl at Cumberland farms, she's across between my first girl crush and Alison Folland's character in "All over me". If you don't know who either of those people are I can't really help you. She always seems to be there when I'm having a bad time and she always cheers me up. Our encounters are always brief and extremely polite, she tells me to smile or that things will get better and like a trained puppy, I smile and laugh, get whatever it is that I needed, say thank you and go on with my day. She has no idea about my little lesbian school girl crush , maybe she thinks I'm some depressed freak and she takes pity on my poor soul. Perhaps she is madly in love with the bakers son but had babies with the milkman or perhaps she is madly out of love and looking for an adventure. Maybe she she has her own blog and is right this moment writing about her own lesbian school girl crush on me. Then again maybe not.


I've been thinking today about the lesbians in my life, it feels stupid just typing it or saying it, "lesbian" what the hell do parts have to do with love in the first place. Who the hell cares what parts are in a relationship as long as no ones hurting anyone. I give up when it comes to explaining my sexuality or preferences. Truth is, I prefer to follow my instincts and my heart, sometimes this gets me into trouble and sometimes its just fun. The fact is I've never felt loyal to the idea of only being with either men or women. Basically, I am one greedy lady, I'm finished questioning myself about what I like and I'm done fighting my attractions for easy situations. I like biker men and butch women, Harleys and gentleman, love and respect, and every once in a while I'll adjust the details because a lady never knows what a lady wants until she's already had it. There is freedom in the "fuck it all", the summer mantra that makes things all better, there is freedom in remembering old parts of yourself. Sometimes you've got to remember where you came from to know where you've been and I want to move forward with only the good.

I was 13 maybe 14 it was a friday night in Stratford and she was tall with those giant skater jeans and a navy blue t-shirt with a white strip at the shoulder inseams. Her blonde hair was down and she smiled the most amazing smile. It was just a crush but man, I thought she was something special. I told her a few years ago about how she was my first girl crush but even then It wasn't really real to me, more of a fantasy or a dream that only happened in my head. Now here's this cashier who reminds me of her and suddenly I think perhaps I'll try to smile before the mindless friendly banter starts next time.

Its not a child its a ghost...

I watch childrens shows sometimes, Yo gabba gabba and Wonderpets are my favorites. I don't have children, I'm starting to accept that I may never have children. I'm a long way from not caring but I am trying. Over the last few years I've watched as people I care about, pair up and make babies, buy houses and work very hard to have the happily ever after. As I watch this happen it becomes harder not to think about how things might have been if i'd done things differently. If the summer of 19 had been less about dead things and more about life, If the summer of 21 had been less of a party and more of a picnic, mabe this whole baby thing wouldnt be so tough to grasp or maybe it wouldn't be a thought at all. The truth though, is none of my wondering changes any of it. No amount of questioning changes any of my past and truthfully, when all is said and done I'm glad. We live and then we die and the parts in between are made to have fun with, learn with, grow with and I have no regrets about the things I've done. I am proud of who I am and without each piece of my past, just as it is, I may never have become this person.


We all have secret pieces of our past that a few people know and maybe one other person knows entirely. One of mine is a ghost, his name is now another boys name and he lives with the other skeletons. He is 8 years old and he was not wanted. He lingers like the taste of a dirty old sock in your mouth, and he has no face. I keep him in my closet, he comes out to watch cartoons and kids shows with me once in a while. We don't speak we just watch as the screen full of bright colors and smiles fills the silence. He is my secret, with him things may have been different, but when it comes to him I know things are better with him as a ghost. 19 seems so long ago, and I can't say I miss that time and place, each year has something new to struggle with and 19 was a long time ago, yet still cuts just as deep.


I am ever changing, ever growing and always hoping to know more, but I wonder who I'll teach all the things I've learned. I wonder if my ghost will ever live and if my closet will empty out and then I get the urge to fly again on my broken wing to some new adventure in some foreign land. This time I hope I am better prepared for the choices in need of making, this time I will get a choice. I own what I've done and where I am and sometimes it takes longer to get to the ownership and sometimes, ok most of the time, I take the long way but I will always try to get there. No apologies, No regrets. Own the person you become and you'll always be your own boss. I apologize to no one and only look back to visit, I have no regrets for things i've done or haven't done. My crazy is my own special mix of demons and do gooders and each choice has been my own. Broken wings are better than no wings at all.

Hey asshole, you're becoming more of an asshole...

I spent my weekend in a timewarp, I was sixteen again being silent and kept in check. The thing is I'm not sixteen anymore and silent and in check is much harder than it used to be. I think for everyone different friends get different parts of us. I have two friends I have known now for 20 years, they are both very different, and extremely loved. They know more of me than I do at times and for some reason they still stick around. Aside from these two I am fortunate enough to have many people in my extended family, these people are the people I would do anything for, the people who have picked me up and put me together each time I've fallen off the wall. These are the people that sit at my table. They are all amazing, they are all perfect in their own way and even the worst of them has atleast one redeeming quality, even if it is hard to find. Over the past few years I've made some knew friends, grown up a little and done my very best to stand on my own. The thing about friends is we all have one or two that cannot grasp that we're not kids anymore and that things change and eventually people do too. This weekend was all about that friend.
That friend at times can be a giant asshole. That friend can also be the one who gives you a reason to wake up when you start to give up. At 18 that friend was one of only three friends I ever got to see and on my 19th birthday she was the friend who took care of me as I watched my future shift. 8 years later, I think maybe I've said thank you enough and I wonder if maybe its time I give up on this friend ever truly realizing it goes both ways. The thing is I can't help but hope and believe that underneath the mean girls attitude and the narcissism the funny friend who wanted to take her daughter to festivals, sell bumper stickers, and randomly move to florida, still lives. It's hard for me to watch this person I love, forget where we came from. It is also hard for me to remember that she didn't come from the same place, we just both happened to be in the same place for a while. The bottom line is even assholes have people who know they're not complete assholes, these same people are left with the responsibility of very carefully yet firmly updating the asshole as to their status as an asshole. This is infact, the worst job ever.

Poppie, I am Brown...

Ever drive by the life you thought you wanted 2, 4, 10, 20 years ago and ponder wether or not you chose to change it or it changed you? I sat in a room full of Fairfield CT, kindergartners and their parents this morning for a "Celebration of Learning". I was asked a few times who I was to the child whom I was there for, a few of them charged forward with the "Are you her mom?" and "Hi, we're so and so's parents and you are?", to wich I smiled and stumbled into a far too wordy explanation about her mom and I being friends. Others began but had trouble rounding the corner while their brains worked way too hard to figure out how "Aunty Meghan" was related to this blonde haired little white girl. For those that couldn't ask but started to, I attempted to fill the silence with either my knowledge of who they were or an awkward smile and a go ahead I dare you look I like to think I learned from my m0m. Now, it is completely reasonable to think perhaps I am over reacting, maybe these kind folks were just suprised because my friend, the childs mother was the most popular room mother of all and they were very concerned about her health because some tragic plague is the only way she would miss this momentous event in her daughters life. In my time waiting for the lemonade toast to the childrens accomplishments I checked the room one last time for the token black kid, he must have come down with a case of that same plague my friend had because he was definitly no where to be found. The two spanish children in the room, one boy, one girl, must have met the diversity standards for the class and I have a slight feeling their mothers just assumed I was spanish as well. Bringing the brown kids to three in a class of maybe 23.

The part that concerns me is how many of these kids and their parents know or spend time with anyone that doesn't also have white skin and live between Fairfield and the New York state line? How many of them assumed I was the nanny and how many didn't care because like me, they were only there because they love the kid they were there for. For me this type of situation is startling in a few new ways but for the most part, this has been and always will be a part of my life. I have never been one or the other, black or white, I will always be both, I will always look spanish to someone and my crayon will always be burnt sienna. The child I was there for is also always going be loved infinitely by me just like her older sister, and these kids along with their brother will always hold the biggest chunk of my heart. They don't care wether I am chocolate or vanilla, they have no bones about tellin people about Aunty Meghan and though they haven't quite figured out how yet, they are completely certain we are related. The other kids all seemed pretty cool but someday they will meet someone browner than me and some day those parents are going to attempt in the most republican and politically correct manner, to explain race to their underexposed and overpriviledged first and second graders.

The Celebration of learning was over promptly an hour after it began, and I went on with my day. I spent time with my grandmother, took her to get her hair cut and get treats from the evil empire known as Starbucks. This was a much more familier and comfortable burnt sienna situation. My Grammie is very petite and well, you guessed it, white. She also has Alzheimers disease, these factors combined have resulted in some very interesting situations and are sure to only get more fantastical over time. During my vacation last year I visited my grandparents in Florida, Grammie and I stopped in a Walgreens or CVS, she was in my line of view for most of this outting but I turned for a few moments and she pocketed a lipstick. I asked her if she was all set she said yes the clerk rang my things out and gave me a nasty stare and I just figured the clerk was having a bad day. Then we got home and wouldn't you know, Grammie had all her money still but was insisting she had paid for the new lipstick she was showing my grandfather.

For my Grammie and I at this point its pretty much the same as it is with my friends children. She doesn't care what color I am, just that I'm spending time with her and much like the kids, sometimes she's not sure how we're related either, she just knows we are. When I brought her home my grandfather stepped away from his baseball cards just long enough to ask if I'd found a job and name a few local towns I should try to work for. Upon mention of one town I said "Poppie, they don't really like brown there." He responded in a fashion only he could, "You're not brown, you're a person, I don't see what browns got to do with it." he said. The thing is my grandfather has rarely if ever acknowledged that his grandchildren are anything but white. This colorblind attitude is not that of a progressive thinker but more the ignorant bliss of an elderly man who at some point chose to put the blinders on and preserve a relationship with his grandchildren and their parents. There was a time where I may have argued with him and gotten frustrated but today I just smiled and left it alone. I love each of my grandparents in all of their craziness but lately sometimes I love my grandfather a little extra because I think maybe he needs it. Perhaps, beyond the superficial junk, those parents this morning need a little more love too and maybe their kids will teach them a thing or two before they become blissfully ignorant elderly folks. My name is Aunty Meghan, my crayon is burnt sienna, I am black and I am white. This is part of who I am as a person not because I want it to be but because it is, I am many other things and my personality is all over the place but among those other things I will be brown until I'm mulch.

Hula hoop dreams.

It rained today, this loosely translated means I slept and did nothing for most of it. I did have lunch with a friend, listen to some Rick James and stop in an Irish Tavern for a Guiness all of wich provided me with laughter and motivation to not continue letting this record play on repeat for too much longer. On my way home I missed a turn and took the long way home through Waterbury. Stopped at a red light I noticed a little boy maybe three or four years old playing in the rain with a broken hula hoop. He and the man with him walked into the check cashing place and the boy brought the trashed and broken hula hoop in with him, the light turned green and I drove away. I have a cousin around the same age as this boy, he lives in suburbia, has plenty of hula hoops and toys scattered all over the yard, and addresses his aunts and uncles by their first names only.Where he's being raised broken toys are not good enough and are easily replaced and therefore discarded, where this hula hoop boy is growing up any toy broken or not is a good toy.

When I graduated high school someone gave me a copy of "Oh, the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Suess. I wonder if i'd been born in a different environment, lived on a farm, grown up in a big city, if my life would have taken me to this same chair writing these same words. I wonder if that little boy started out with a broken hula hoop or if he just loved it so much he wore it out. Obviously, I don't know the kids situation outside of my personal observations but I do know as I watched him for that moment hop in and out of his split and broken hula hoop he looked just as happy to be there if not happier than my cousin in suburbia. I'd like to be that happy. I'd like to be able to have fun with the broken things in the world around me. Am I the hula hoop or the boy? Will I let a little dirt and damage ruin an otherwise good time or will I get over the molehills through the mountains and get back on the train. I think its going to be a long hike, but the train comes through again soon and I need to be on it.

Bitter late night ramblings...

Tonight I'm not really sure what to write or where i'm going with this or anything else for that matter. I woke up today and just the simple act of opening my eyes was painful. In the past few weeks of unemployment I have been barely able to get motivated long enough to fully clean the house, do laundry or get groceries. I send my resume out and get calls from scam companies telling me they want me but refusing to discuss hours, wages or what exactly it is that they do. On Sundays I call to tell the automated system that for yet another week I have failed to do enough and actually find a job. Somehow I am fortunate enough to be surviving financially but aside from that each day gets a little harder to plaster on a smile and tell myself and those around me how great I am.

There is much more to getting fired than losing your job and there is much more to asking for help than just accepting it. I've now been fired from two jobs in my life and I'm sure life has plenty more bumps for me to go over before I get where I'm going but once or twice in this life I'd like to sit on the top of the bump and learn how other people do it with such grace and style. Is everyone just plastering on the appropriate smile and moving on with their day or am I once again the minority? Both lost jobs had their pros and cons and both did what was right for them. I mean that lady didn't actually have a lawn and if it weren't for the rain she would have never known I was there but that wasnt exactly strike 1 or 2 or even 3 for truck driving and no, I certainly didnt make my quota 3 out of the last 4 months at this more recent lost job and though that was definitly not on purpose, the last thing I wanted to do was continue watching asskissers and politics prevale over hard work and common sense but the last thing on anyones to do list is get fired. I had hopes of finding the perfect new job that paid my bills, gave me time to go to school and ended at 40 hours with no one too deep in my personal life. Shame on me for thinking life happened on my very specific timeline and terms.

In my half assed, pity party attitude I've lost the drive to be the ideal employee in some office and I am slowly coming to the conclusion that two crappy jobs who know they're mindnumbing and ultimately worthless, may just be better than jumping back on to that customer service slave ship. Then I try to imagine how to fit four classes into the 2 job house of cards and not only does the house crumble but I somehow end up owing it money. There is a time for all things and perhaps this for me is a time to get a little numb, hide in some silly job and hope the people who count don't take the coming isolation too personally. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and do algebra, find the job of my dreams and pay off my debts in full. I think the algebra is most likely to happen, and my magic 8 ball and psychic network are both assuring me that tomorrow will be better so with that I think I'll head to bed, hopefully those psychics are better than the weatherman.

The revolution is in talks with the network...

A few weeks ago my younger sister and I had a discussion that made me question for a moment if we grew up in the same household. She had never heard "The Revolution Will not be Televised." by Gil Scott-Heron, she did not know why this was important. We are only four years apart in age and we definitly grew up in the same house, but even as I played it for her on my blackberry with its internet and youtube access, it frightened me that she could see no value in the history of it. In a country that holds the majority of the worlds wealth, throws out more food than many countries even have access too and could realistically be completely self sufficient if not for our materialistic practices, the real people in this country have stopped screaming their grievances and begun whispering to eachother about how things have really got to change. Silently we have accepted the sale of our jobs to foreign countries, silently we accept the mass production of genetically improved animals, the children of our own country starving while we aid countries who don't want our help and ignore countries who desperately need help. We are overdue for a revolution and I can't help but wonder how much longer we will go without one. How long will the people of this country park themselves in front of the television instead of get movin out there in the world.

Once again I look to my trusty dictionary for the definition of revolution and what I find does not satisfy what I am looking for. I'm not looking to overthrow the government or "complete a cycle" and I don't believe change can ever be complete, provided you are working towards a brighter future. The future can always be brighter and the world can always get better. I do believe in social change, I do believe sitting down and watching things take turn after turn and getting worse and worse for the little guy is a sad part of what we call American culture. I don't believe anything is going to change if there is an entire generation of people who just dont care and I dont believe we will ever know what needs to be changed if we continue to believe everything we watch on tv, read on the internet, or in newspaper and magazines. There is an entire generation of kids out there with no knowledge of how it got this way and no worries about where it's going and they are all going to breed!

Well fuck, I'm worried but not because I have kids, because I don't. You see its this generation of kids raised on tv and fastfood thats going to be feeding me and wiping my ass in the nursing home when I'm 80. Its these technology obsessed, mannerless manipulators, raised by 50 inch flat screens and guilt, lacking basic communication skills that will be taking care of me in some elder care facility built by robots and suspected immigrants.

Certainly, I'm not saying I have all the answers, because my answers are rarely the right ones lately, but I am saying maybe its time things start changing again. The revolution will not be rewritten by historians, it will not place children in front of the tv and ask them to watch cheap remakes of the original.The revolution will never come if we don't act and react. The time is coming once again to pull the plug, turn off and get it together. We are a country full of people sending aid to other countries when people at home are starving, homeless and unemployed. We send work to other countries, not because they do it better but because its "cost effective", while people here continue to lose jobs. Here in a country that can be completely self sufficient we continue to starve ourselves as we send our future overseas so the rich can continue to get richer and the poor can continue to watch American Idol and convince themselves it will get better if they just pray a little harder. Nothing changes if you don't change it and no one gets up if they don't know they can. Would history ever repeat if we never knew what it was?

The revolution is not going to happen because we want it to, its not going to whisper at you in the night or hold your hand while you sit alone at the lunch table. The revolution will inspire change at more than a snails pace and it will be talked about at the water cooler and shouted from random rooftops. The revolution will feed your hungry, house your homeless and employ your jobless, the revolution will save us from ourselves, educate us on our history and bring us chances we never thought we'd have. The revolution will not be a cheap remake of the original but a shiny, new, sparkling piece of hope that will open the eyes of a blacked out generation to the reality of our power to bring change to our children and life to an uninspired generation of worker bees. The revolution cannot be a rerun and it will not be televised, youtubed or twittered. It will not take place on your couch or even on your computer, the revolution will not come to you and it will not be edited by the FCC for your viewing amusement. The revolution will require movement, you will sit in the drivers seat you may not even wear a seatbelt and you will drive. The revolution will be alive and so will you.

Chocolate chip pancakes and double digits...

At what age do we lose our desire to be grown ups? Is it different for everyone or is it generally around the same point for most of us? I don't know that I would go back if given the option. If at age 8, I had known the kind of things there would be to look forward to I'd like to think I'd have taken an extra moment or two to enjoy it. The reality is we all grew up at different stages. At 8 years old some of us knew we wanted out of our parents house and to be on our own and maybe at 28 some of us still haven't reached that point for one reason or another. Over the last 9 years I've moved approximately 12 times, I'm not great at stayin in one place for too long. As a kid I only remember moving twice in 18 years. My parents weren't gypsies and we always knew where home was. Now as an adult I feel my next move coming and i'm hoping this time I find a place I can know as home for a little while longer than the last few.

Earlier this evening my 8 year old goddaughter said to me that she could not wait to be in the double digits, she is only a year and 5 months away from this exciting change over. As she said this a vision of her as a baby flashed into my head. She changed the course of my life in a way only a new life can and now here she is going on about the landmark age of 10. As we sat there eating our Friendley's dinner, way past her bedtime and reminiscing about how tiny her feet used to be and what happened the day she discovered I was a different color than her, I could still see her as the sunshine blonde baby who opened my eyes for the first time. She is by far, the most beautiful thing in my world and I'm wishing I could tell her every important thing she'll need to know before she gets to double digits and before she gets to adult. I'm hoping to she never has to feel the things her mother and I have or know the things that have made us who we are. I am not unaware that I cannot protect her or her sister and brother from knowing all growing pains but I dare to dream that they're spared by the scars of lifes bigger bumps and scrapes. It is impossible to know with a look what some one else has been through with any certainty but at 8 we think everyone is just the same as we are, by thirteen we know that is not the case and by 26 I find myself considering who I would be if I'd just listened to my Aunts and Uncles everytime they'd said "Enjoy it while it lasts kid!". We grow so very quickly at times, its hard not to want to stop the growth for just one really good moment and savor the feelings of childhood. Remember for just a minute how nice it was to live and play and learn with a childs eyes, remember someone else having the responsibility and your biggest worry being how to stay up late without anyone noticing. Consider what your life might be if you cherished each moment now with an adults knowledge and a childs eyes. Suddenly I feel an urge to write out thank you notes to all the aunts and uncles who tried to warn me, Perhaps it can wait, cartoon network is calling my name...

Nice shoes, wanna copulate?

Today I found myself pondering the value of sex and attraction in a relationship. In any relationship, the line between our relationships and our friendships is a boundry we cannot name and can only define for ourselves. Love is defined as a strong affection, relationship is defined as romantic or passionate attachment. Based on these definitions I can't help but wonder if anyone ever really gets both of these from the same person at the same time. There is a line in my favorite Chuck Palahniuk book, he writes "The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person." If this is true why then, are we not all fucking like bunnies. Population control aside what exactly is it that keeps us hoping Mr. or Mrs Right is gonna just walk into our lives and bam its happily ever after for atleast 50 years. Variety is the spice of life, except in romance. In relationships and romance our culture expects us to only love one person at a time, to only be with one person at a time and to only want one person at a time. So how do you get variety in monogamy? How do you enjoy the same person day in and day out. Even the most adventurous of couples loses something in monogamy. In some ways its to be admired, a challenge that few are able to rise to but for me it arises suspicion when people tell me how great their relationship is after a few years. I question how many times the subject of cheating came up in the course of that few years and how they decided what constitutes a good relationship. I am not a firm believer in monogamy, I believe it to be possible only for the truly star crossed or the truly committed. I've met people along the way that I would try for but as it is now I have yet to find someone to remain monogamous with.

The most beautiful relationship I have ever been fortunate enough to experience was based in openness and love. In no way by any means is this a monogamous relationship. They play with whomever they want to play with but at the end of the day they love eachother and care for eachother in a way, with a love I dont know that I've ever seen in a single sex partner situation. As the world progresses and comes into newer more radical ideas of how things should be, it can't help but be noticed that we become less tolerant of nature and more assimilation oriented as time goes on. Are we all really naive enough to believe that our partners will not stray simply because we don't want them to, because our sex is amazing, we're nice to talk to and are generally compatible. Monogamy is only natural to a handful of species, are we really one of them or have the politics of religion and government pushed us into an unnatural suppression of our most animalistic and natural urges to copulate. The more medical it sounds the less wrong it seems. We don't live our whole lives only loving one person, we love many. We also do not make love to everyone we have sex with and therefore would it really be cheating if we're still going home to someone we love or is it only my fear of commitment that makes me feel justified in my beliefs.Would these feelings be different if I was attempting to be in a monogamous relationship? If my partner came home and said they cheated would I respond with acceptance and understanding because, I am an enlightened woman, who believes we should all be free in that way, or would I just be a Bitter Betty about the whole thing? My moneys on Bitter Betty first, understanding second.

Sunsets and youth.

On the way home tonight I skipped a turn and took the long way home in an effort to watch the sky just a moment longer before the trees became my sky. It was longer and I can't be sure I saw any more of the sunset than if I had gone any other way, but I had time. It struck me that time is something that we lose with age not only because we're dying but because in some foolish way we think we've seen it all by now. Youth is a chance to see with open eyes, everything is new everything is interesting and nothing could keep our attention for too long. As we get older we begin living for different things, we begin living for more than life but less than living. My bank account is fairly empty, my life is somewhat messy and yet today I had the time to take the long way and enjoy the sunset. The moments I'm living in, with the hail mary bill paying and the careful steps from one week or even one day to the next that will get me through this financially unsatisfying situation, certainly is not fun. The moments I've lived that are creeping up in this awkward time, these memories of youth, they're drifting back to remind me who I wanted to be. I wanted to be so many things and the last few years in all honesty, this version of me with the broken wing who still kept flying. The version with the balls and the drive to take what she wanted and be who she was, she was nearing extinction. I sit here tap tap typing and dreaming that the fuck it all version with the confident fuck you face and attitude, rises from the dreary living dead world of daily politics and money driven goals and once again says, fuck it!
At sixteen I had my first job, I used to take a 15 minute smoke break to watch the sun go down each night. I never missed one if I could help it. I knew around what time it would be everynight and I was ready and waiting to say goodbye to the day in all its beauty. Now seems like the perfect time to start that ritual again.

Biology or sociology?

The simplest definition of commitment that I've found is "to pledge or bind", just reading this definition a small familiar fear passed over me. I've never been good at saying yes or no, both are at times too much. Both can bring chaos to my insides. At times I want to go out and scream from the rooftops about how to live it up and be free, other times I want to hide, at home and watch television, sleep or clean and crawl inside myself. At any given moment I may fight the urge to do either, having tried each path I am aware neither will actually ease my anxiety.

I have these gypsy tendencies to never stick with anything too long and as I grow with each new phase I trust and respect my gut feelings and my whims more each time. I want to experience everything and its become a pattern in my life to push against the walls and look for that secret entry to the next room. As I walk on into the next room this time in many ways I feel as if this time I just stomped like a child until the floor gave out and I ended up falling into the next room instead of walking. There's this easy feeling like somehow this time its gonna be fine, possibly even better than every other time. Under that easiness there is an eerie urge to settle down and become the upstanding citizen. The appropriate looking, appropriate feeling, heterosexual female, living the cookie cutter life with the house and the kids and dinner every night. This urge is natural for most, that life is what people do, it's what makes people keep going. For me its just confusing. As a society we strive to have more, be more, live more but the reality is its our instinct to make families and support them. Survival is the priority of all living things, the socially acceptable forms of survival are embedded in us from birth. The urge to live free, the desire to survive, play, breed, create and feel, these are all built in to our DNA. We don't wake up one day knowing why we want these things, we just wake up some days wanting them more than we did on other days. It's natural to have these questions these feelings but who ever talks about them with honesty.

How many people go through the motions but never seek to understand why they follow societies rules instead of natures. How civilized is it really to live while dying inside, to wake up stifling the urge to scream or sleep all day to hide from the responsibility of becoming an adult. I've lived a little and met all types of adults the truth is adult is not age appropriate, its not a state of mind or a certainty by any means. Natures definition of adult is non-existent but all explaining and ever present in our daily lives. The dictionary defines adult as mature or grown up. I think we all know plenty of grown-ups who still think and act like children. Plenty of people who without the rent to pay, parents to make proud, babies to provide for and the school bills to pay, would never be considered adults and would never have stepped into the lives they are living. Instinctually we aren't wired to do things on societies terms, we just do,we're trained to. My fear of commitment if defined by a dictionary may be described as any number of psychological issues in need of fixing, medicating and adjusting to better fit the life we are hardwired to desire. What I know about myself is that I am hardwired to want more, unwilling to accept the molds of generations before me, hardheaded and stubborn.
Each time I consider where my adventures will lead me I can't help but wonder if maybe I should commit to more than living. Perhaps there is more in those perfect cookie cutter hetero lives than I want to admit. Just maybe in my effort to live i'm denying my natural need to feel and breed and grow, maybe being an adult is less about analyzing and more about accepting. How much am I really living if all I leave when I die is memories, no mark, no legacy. Then again perhaps this is just nature, my biological clock making another impromptu appearance. I can't help but feel as if society asks us to stop asking why and we do, we conform and mold ourselves into the next generation of lost souls. We wake up one day in these lives we told our parents and grandparents we'd never have or we always wanted and we only allow ourselves a moment to ask why before we slip on the monkey suits, the mom faces, the fuck me pumps, the bread winning smiles and we stop considering why we've committed to be less than we could be if we bothered to ask why or strive for more. So I begin to face my fear of commitment here and now, a baby step into adulthood by societies standards i'm commiting to writing something each day. I'm stepping forward hoping something is learned from this experience that wasn't known before. Hoping that somewhere I can find natures definition of commitment and abide by it. Dreaming for a clarity that brings me through this phase and into the next and helps me find my legacy, my survival. I am normal, this is real and who isnt afraid to commit?