Its not a child its a ghost...

I watch childrens shows sometimes, Yo gabba gabba and Wonderpets are my favorites. I don't have children, I'm starting to accept that I may never have children. I'm a long way from not caring but I am trying. Over the last few years I've watched as people I care about, pair up and make babies, buy houses and work very hard to have the happily ever after. As I watch this happen it becomes harder not to think about how things might have been if i'd done things differently. If the summer of 19 had been less about dead things and more about life, If the summer of 21 had been less of a party and more of a picnic, mabe this whole baby thing wouldnt be so tough to grasp or maybe it wouldn't be a thought at all. The truth though, is none of my wondering changes any of it. No amount of questioning changes any of my past and truthfully, when all is said and done I'm glad. We live and then we die and the parts in between are made to have fun with, learn with, grow with and I have no regrets about the things I've done. I am proud of who I am and without each piece of my past, just as it is, I may never have become this person.


We all have secret pieces of our past that a few people know and maybe one other person knows entirely. One of mine is a ghost, his name is now another boys name and he lives with the other skeletons. He is 8 years old and he was not wanted. He lingers like the taste of a dirty old sock in your mouth, and he has no face. I keep him in my closet, he comes out to watch cartoons and kids shows with me once in a while. We don't speak we just watch as the screen full of bright colors and smiles fills the silence. He is my secret, with him things may have been different, but when it comes to him I know things are better with him as a ghost. 19 seems so long ago, and I can't say I miss that time and place, each year has something new to struggle with and 19 was a long time ago, yet still cuts just as deep.


I am ever changing, ever growing and always hoping to know more, but I wonder who I'll teach all the things I've learned. I wonder if my ghost will ever live and if my closet will empty out and then I get the urge to fly again on my broken wing to some new adventure in some foreign land. This time I hope I am better prepared for the choices in need of making, this time I will get a choice. I own what I've done and where I am and sometimes it takes longer to get to the ownership and sometimes, ok most of the time, I take the long way but I will always try to get there. No apologies, No regrets. Own the person you become and you'll always be your own boss. I apologize to no one and only look back to visit, I have no regrets for things i've done or haven't done. My crazy is my own special mix of demons and do gooders and each choice has been my own. Broken wings are better than no wings at all.