I woke up this afternoon wishing I had more to wake up for than the bullshit I make up to get me through each day. I did chores I made up to make myself feel better, I did laundry, mopped the bathroom floor and made the bed. None of what I accomplished today made me feel any better about where I am in life. I went to the grocery store today and lost my keys. House keys, car keys both MIA for about an hour. I checked the store 3 times went through my groceries twice and after my father made the drive from Stratford to the Naugatuck Stop and Shop, after I'd thrown a tantrum like a four year old, my keys were found and my day went on. By this point though, I'd already crawled into that place I go on really bad days. I don't know that everyone goes to the same place but for me its that place you go when nothing is going to make you feel better. Once I climb into that place nothing can pull me out, Its a place I need to visit for a while before I can move on.
I lost my cool, this happens but for me this was more, it was me falling apart in front of strangers combined with a lack of control over my situation. Today was all about the last two months of failure coming together in one simple grocery run. I've never been the "normal kid" my crazy flag has always flown in its very own direction, today it flew extra high and extra bright and it said too much to all the wrong people. I've learned to hide certain things from the world around me, I've learned that panic is unacceptable and disappointment is inevitable. Not one person at that grocery store knew my name or gave a fuck about my keys, all they saw was crazy because that is all I showed them. Having nothing to do all day but examine yourself makes it alot harder to remain calm and rational. Rational or not, the way I looked at today was simple, no wonder I can't find a job if I cant handle a simple grocery run without losing my shit. Then I wonder, how many other people are out there questioning their self worth, how many other people are feeling what I feel and what are they doing to make it better? It's not enough to know you need to be more, sometimes the only acceptable thing is to actually be more.
From time to time we all fail and it is in fact what we do with our failures that makes us better. Not better than the people around us but better than the people we were before the experiences that make us who we are each day. Today, I failed at keeping my cool, the last few months in comparison to my past, I've somehow managed to contain myself. My life is nowhere near where i'd imagined it, today I lost my keys, a month ago I lost my job and a month from now who knows what i'll lose. Nothing is going to stop the next rough patch from coming but I am in control of how I react to it. Tears and emotions they get you nowhere, that is just the way it is, no fluff, no cushion, cool calm collected and rational, this is how a person gets where they want to go. This is how walls get built, safety happens and the past is forgotten. Eventually, I will learn to completely control myself, for now, I take comfort in my progress and strive to be better. Tomorrow will be better.
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