Sunsets and youth.

On the way home tonight I skipped a turn and took the long way home in an effort to watch the sky just a moment longer before the trees became my sky. It was longer and I can't be sure I saw any more of the sunset than if I had gone any other way, but I had time. It struck me that time is something that we lose with age not only because we're dying but because in some foolish way we think we've seen it all by now. Youth is a chance to see with open eyes, everything is new everything is interesting and nothing could keep our attention for too long. As we get older we begin living for different things, we begin living for more than life but less than living. My bank account is fairly empty, my life is somewhat messy and yet today I had the time to take the long way and enjoy the sunset. The moments I'm living in, with the hail mary bill paying and the careful steps from one week or even one day to the next that will get me through this financially unsatisfying situation, certainly is not fun. The moments I've lived that are creeping up in this awkward time, these memories of youth, they're drifting back to remind me who I wanted to be. I wanted to be so many things and the last few years in all honesty, this version of me with the broken wing who still kept flying. The version with the balls and the drive to take what she wanted and be who she was, she was nearing extinction. I sit here tap tap typing and dreaming that the fuck it all version with the confident fuck you face and attitude, rises from the dreary living dead world of daily politics and money driven goals and once again says, fuck it!
At sixteen I had my first job, I used to take a 15 minute smoke break to watch the sun go down each night. I never missed one if I could help it. I knew around what time it would be everynight and I was ready and waiting to say goodbye to the day in all its beauty. Now seems like the perfect time to start that ritual again.