Biology or sociology?

The simplest definition of commitment that I've found is "to pledge or bind", just reading this definition a small familiar fear passed over me. I've never been good at saying yes or no, both are at times too much. Both can bring chaos to my insides. At times I want to go out and scream from the rooftops about how to live it up and be free, other times I want to hide, at home and watch television, sleep or clean and crawl inside myself. At any given moment I may fight the urge to do either, having tried each path I am aware neither will actually ease my anxiety.

I have these gypsy tendencies to never stick with anything too long and as I grow with each new phase I trust and respect my gut feelings and my whims more each time. I want to experience everything and its become a pattern in my life to push against the walls and look for that secret entry to the next room. As I walk on into the next room this time in many ways I feel as if this time I just stomped like a child until the floor gave out and I ended up falling into the next room instead of walking. There's this easy feeling like somehow this time its gonna be fine, possibly even better than every other time. Under that easiness there is an eerie urge to settle down and become the upstanding citizen. The appropriate looking, appropriate feeling, heterosexual female, living the cookie cutter life with the house and the kids and dinner every night. This urge is natural for most, that life is what people do, it's what makes people keep going. For me its just confusing. As a society we strive to have more, be more, live more but the reality is its our instinct to make families and support them. Survival is the priority of all living things, the socially acceptable forms of survival are embedded in us from birth. The urge to live free, the desire to survive, play, breed, create and feel, these are all built in to our DNA. We don't wake up one day knowing why we want these things, we just wake up some days wanting them more than we did on other days. It's natural to have these questions these feelings but who ever talks about them with honesty.

How many people go through the motions but never seek to understand why they follow societies rules instead of natures. How civilized is it really to live while dying inside, to wake up stifling the urge to scream or sleep all day to hide from the responsibility of becoming an adult. I've lived a little and met all types of adults the truth is adult is not age appropriate, its not a state of mind or a certainty by any means. Natures definition of adult is non-existent but all explaining and ever present in our daily lives. The dictionary defines adult as mature or grown up. I think we all know plenty of grown-ups who still think and act like children. Plenty of people who without the rent to pay, parents to make proud, babies to provide for and the school bills to pay, would never be considered adults and would never have stepped into the lives they are living. Instinctually we aren't wired to do things on societies terms, we just do,we're trained to. My fear of commitment if defined by a dictionary may be described as any number of psychological issues in need of fixing, medicating and adjusting to better fit the life we are hardwired to desire. What I know about myself is that I am hardwired to want more, unwilling to accept the molds of generations before me, hardheaded and stubborn.
Each time I consider where my adventures will lead me I can't help but wonder if maybe I should commit to more than living. Perhaps there is more in those perfect cookie cutter hetero lives than I want to admit. Just maybe in my effort to live i'm denying my natural need to feel and breed and grow, maybe being an adult is less about analyzing and more about accepting. How much am I really living if all I leave when I die is memories, no mark, no legacy. Then again perhaps this is just nature, my biological clock making another impromptu appearance. I can't help but feel as if society asks us to stop asking why and we do, we conform and mold ourselves into the next generation of lost souls. We wake up one day in these lives we told our parents and grandparents we'd never have or we always wanted and we only allow ourselves a moment to ask why before we slip on the monkey suits, the mom faces, the fuck me pumps, the bread winning smiles and we stop considering why we've committed to be less than we could be if we bothered to ask why or strive for more. So I begin to face my fear of commitment here and now, a baby step into adulthood by societies standards i'm commiting to writing something each day. I'm stepping forward hoping something is learned from this experience that wasn't known before. Hoping that somewhere I can find natures definition of commitment and abide by it. Dreaming for a clarity that brings me through this phase and into the next and helps me find my legacy, my survival. I am normal, this is real and who isnt afraid to commit?